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[ Matt filled in the answer to Stick's question immediately in his head. "Elektra and... me." But Foggy starts listing names and Matt lifts his head slightly. Foggy is right. Stick didn't even really know any of the other people regardless of whatever info collecting he did before he showed up in that restaurant. They all fought on their own terms.
"No, it's not that simple. Stick's philosophy didn't mean fighting the war all alone, he was the first to tell me and the others that together we could defeat the Hand." Matt bites his lip. Just like that, like instinct, some little voice in his head was arguing on behalf of Stick, and to Foggy of all people. He feels sick. He's shouting on the inside and clawing at the walls of his mind, beating himself down.
"You've been telling Scruffy only half the story haven't you? He thinks I taught you to fight all alone. You're the one who keeps insisting on playing hero and doing everything alone Matty. I had an entire army by my side. I turned to you for help when I needed it. Why do you think I set you up with Elektra? It wasn't just to remind you of who you really are, it was to show you what fighting alongside another warrior was like."
Matt shakes his head frantically. ]
You said I should give up my friends! Why was Elektra any different?
[ "You know why Matty. She was willing to let you become what you were meant to be. She accepted a part of you Scruff will never understand because she was the same. He can talk all he wants about Roman Emperors and gods, impressive how much he can pull out of his ass. Doesn't change the cold hard truth that you were born to fight. Do him a favor and stop pretending that he'll ever accept that."
Matt feels Foggy squeezing his knee. He hears Foggy's words but only barely. It feels like his heart fell into his gut and Foggy seems distant and sounds far away. He blinks and holds back his tears. Who's right? It's hard to tell, he can't think clearly. ]
I don't know anymore, Fog. I don't... Don't think I did more good than harm. Fisk has prison guards and other inmates in his pocket already. I hurt you and I hurt Karen. Everyone that I once helped nearly died at that warehouse. And Elektra... I- I thought I could save people but I'm starting to think that I was wrong. Now I'm here and I can't even- I can't protect you or Karen. I know that others wonder why I'm here, what could I possibly do to help, and I thought I could prove them wrong but I still can't. Maybe if I had been stronger, maybe if I had learned a little more from him...
"No, it's not that simple. Stick's philosophy didn't mean fighting the war all alone, he was the first to tell me and the others that together we could defeat the Hand." Matt bites his lip. Just like that, like instinct, some little voice in his head was arguing on behalf of Stick, and to Foggy of all people. He feels sick. He's shouting on the inside and clawing at the walls of his mind, beating himself down.
"You've been telling Scruffy only half the story haven't you? He thinks I taught you to fight all alone. You're the one who keeps insisting on playing hero and doing everything alone Matty. I had an entire army by my side. I turned to you for help when I needed it. Why do you think I set you up with Elektra? It wasn't just to remind you of who you really are, it was to show you what fighting alongside another warrior was like."
Matt shakes his head frantically. ]
You said I should give up my friends! Why was Elektra any different?
[ "You know why Matty. She was willing to let you become what you were meant to be. She accepted a part of you Scruff will never understand because she was the same. He can talk all he wants about Roman Emperors and gods, impressive how much he can pull out of his ass. Doesn't change the cold hard truth that you were born to fight. Do him a favor and stop pretending that he'll ever accept that."
Matt feels Foggy squeezing his knee. He hears Foggy's words but only barely. It feels like his heart fell into his gut and Foggy seems distant and sounds far away. He blinks and holds back his tears. Who's right? It's hard to tell, he can't think clearly. ]
I don't know anymore, Fog. I don't... Don't think I did more good than harm. Fisk has prison guards and other inmates in his pocket already. I hurt you and I hurt Karen. Everyone that I once helped nearly died at that warehouse. And Elektra... I- I thought I could save people but I'm starting to think that I was wrong. Now I'm here and I can't even- I can't protect you or Karen. I know that others wonder why I'm here, what could I possibly do to help, and I thought I could prove them wrong but I still can't. Maybe if I had been stronger, maybe if I had learned a little more from him...
We have different understandings of the word alone, buddy. You might've had an entire army at your side, but you were still alone as hell where it matters. The ones who finished the war had nothing to do with your philosophy. For all your talk about knowing what a real warrior and real strength were like, you and your kind failed, and the ones who made it count were a ragtag bunch of people just trying to do their best.
[ If he was a more cruel person, he would point out that Stick's army was no where to be found in the end, that the boy he'd manipulated and abandoned had found a better family, and the girl he'd used to try to further that manipulation had ended up killing him. For all Stick's talk about knowing what needs to be done to win, everything he tried sure as hell backfired spectacularly on him.
All right, actually - he would be that cruel of a person, if Matt wasn't sitting right here listening to all of this. He's pretty sure that all of that would hurt Matt more than it would Stick, and Foggy can't bring himself to be the one to use any of that to take potshots at Stick, no matter how true it might be.
Especially not since, admittedly, he doesn't know the whole story of everything that happened with Stick.
And especially not when, despite stubbornly trying to ignore everything Stick says, there's still a slow growing ice in his veins at all his talk about Elektra. That he sent her to Matt, used her to manipulate him, played both of them and yet - and yet he's afraid that Matt believes what Stick's saying. That Elektra really does understand Matt better than Foggy could. No matter how deep in his bones he feels that that's wrong, it doesn't mean anything if Matt thinks it's true.
His hand fumbles for Matt's, and he falls back on the now familiar gesture of pressing it against his heart. His breathing might not be under control, but he knows his pulse is steady. ]
I'm alive right now because of you, Matt. If you can't believe anything else, can you believe that?
[ If he was a more cruel person, he would point out that Stick's army was no where to be found in the end, that the boy he'd manipulated and abandoned had found a better family, and the girl he'd used to try to further that manipulation had ended up killing him. For all Stick's talk about knowing what needs to be done to win, everything he tried sure as hell backfired spectacularly on him.
All right, actually - he would be that cruel of a person, if Matt wasn't sitting right here listening to all of this. He's pretty sure that all of that would hurt Matt more than it would Stick, and Foggy can't bring himself to be the one to use any of that to take potshots at Stick, no matter how true it might be.
Especially not since, admittedly, he doesn't know the whole story of everything that happened with Stick.
And especially not when, despite stubbornly trying to ignore everything Stick says, there's still a slow growing ice in his veins at all his talk about Elektra. That he sent her to Matt, used her to manipulate him, played both of them and yet - and yet he's afraid that Matt believes what Stick's saying. That Elektra really does understand Matt better than Foggy could. No matter how deep in his bones he feels that that's wrong, it doesn't mean anything if Matt thinks it's true.
His hand fumbles for Matt's, and he falls back on the now familiar gesture of pressing it against his heart. His breathing might not be under control, but he knows his pulse is steady. ]
I'm alive right now because of you, Matt. If you can't believe anything else, can you believe that?
[ Stick's voice still doesn't pick a fight with Foggy. Matt knows Foggy's argument has some sort of credit to it. Even emotional, Foggy can gather the facts and build a case in his head, a talent that could put lawyers with more experience to shame. Still, it's difficult to process, just like it's difficult to listen to Foggy and Stick arguing the same way two sides in his own head do all the time.
Foggy grabs Matt's hand and presses it to his chest, Matt's heart immediately leaping, eyes pointing toward the contact. His throat feels too tight again, emotions stirring up as he thinks about what the gesture has come to mean to them in the past few months. Thinking about how Foggy pleaded with him not to push him away again.
Stick's voice scoffs. "Back to distracting yourself with his sweet talk and sex? You're making the same old mistake again, telling yourself you'll find relief between someone else's legs. Nobody will make you feel complete and truly alive the way fighting does Matty. Remember what I said about soft things. It's only a matter of time before your boyfriend suffers and it won't matter how big his loud mouth or his dick is."
Matt's entire body goes rigid, something inside of him snaps. His hand on Foggy's chest curls into a fist. ]
And I told you that I'm more than just a warrior but you never listened. I should have stopped listening to you a long time ago. You know I took your advice, I kept my abilities secret, tried pushing the people I love away but it didn't fix my problems, it only hurt and made me hate myself more. I get to decide how I want to live my life now. And if you had a body right now I would kick your ass for insulting the man I love.
Foggy grabs Matt's hand and presses it to his chest, Matt's heart immediately leaping, eyes pointing toward the contact. His throat feels too tight again, emotions stirring up as he thinks about what the gesture has come to mean to them in the past few months. Thinking about how Foggy pleaded with him not to push him away again.
Stick's voice scoffs. "Back to distracting yourself with his sweet talk and sex? You're making the same old mistake again, telling yourself you'll find relief between someone else's legs. Nobody will make you feel complete and truly alive the way fighting does Matty. Remember what I said about soft things. It's only a matter of time before your boyfriend suffers and it won't matter how big his loud mouth or his dick is."
Matt's entire body goes rigid, something inside of him snaps. His hand on Foggy's chest curls into a fist. ]
And I told you that I'm more than just a warrior but you never listened. I should have stopped listening to you a long time ago. You know I took your advice, I kept my abilities secret, tried pushing the people I love away but it didn't fix my problems, it only hurt and made me hate myself more. I get to decide how I want to live my life now. And if you had a body right now I would kick your ass for insulting the man I love.
[ Great, they're moving on to the battering of personal insults part of the argument. Most of the time in college Foggy'd just gotten smug at this point, because in his experience people tend to shift to insulting you and your friends and your relationships when they've trying to stall to come up with better counter points to your argument. Or when they've run out of them completely, but Foggy's not sure their luck'd be that good without him putting a little influence on it.
But this isn't most times. Foggy's not quite stable enough at the moment not to internalize some of that. He knows he's not stupid, and that his relationship with Matt is different from their relationships in the past, and he wants to think that this time he can make sure that Matt finds exactly what he's been looking for - but deep down he's not as sure of himself as he is of Matt. His faith in Matt is damn near unshakable, his faith in his own ability to be everything Matt needs and wants? That's a little less steady.
He's a second away from lashing out and saying something like that sounds like someone who's never been able to have a satisfying sexual encounter or what are you doing thinking about how big my dick is you creep when Matt snaps.
And Foggy's heart does that stupid quick palpitation thing that's best described as skipping a beat while he pretty much just stares at Matt, quietly lovestruck. He's known for a long time that Matt killing it as a lawyer or telling someone off was kind of a thing for him - and what a great idea it was to be partners in their own law firm where they did those things regularly with that knowledge, clearly that would result in no awkward moments for him - but it turns out that Matt standing up to Stick for him takes that to a whole new extreme.
His thumb brushes over Matt's knuckles and stays there, hand curled around his fist. ]
Hey Matt? Thank you. For being you.
[ For a lot of things, really, and Foggy'll be sure to outline every one of them individually when they're actually alone, but right now it can be summed up in pretty much just being Matt. ]
But this isn't most times. Foggy's not quite stable enough at the moment not to internalize some of that. He knows he's not stupid, and that his relationship with Matt is different from their relationships in the past, and he wants to think that this time he can make sure that Matt finds exactly what he's been looking for - but deep down he's not as sure of himself as he is of Matt. His faith in Matt is damn near unshakable, his faith in his own ability to be everything Matt needs and wants? That's a little less steady.
He's a second away from lashing out and saying something like that sounds like someone who's never been able to have a satisfying sexual encounter or what are you doing thinking about how big my dick is you creep when Matt snaps.
And Foggy's heart does that stupid quick palpitation thing that's best described as skipping a beat while he pretty much just stares at Matt, quietly lovestruck. He's known for a long time that Matt killing it as a lawyer or telling someone off was kind of a thing for him - and what a great idea it was to be partners in their own law firm where they did those things regularly with that knowledge, clearly that would result in no awkward moments for him - but it turns out that Matt standing up to Stick for him takes that to a whole new extreme.
His thumb brushes over Matt's knuckles and stays there, hand curled around his fist. ]
Hey Matt? Thank you. For being you.
[ For a lot of things, really, and Foggy'll be sure to outline every one of them individually when they're actually alone, but right now it can be summed up in pretty much just being Matt. ]
[ In the moment of silence that follows his outburst the room seems silent save for his breath and heartbeat drumming. Then he feels Foggy's thumb brushing over his knuckles and the chill in his veins fades away. Foggy speaks and Matt lifts his head, fist slowly uncurling. ]
I don't know what that really means.
[ He says with a faint smirk and the breathless laugh that follows runs right into a sigh of relief. He waits another minute, turning his hand over under Foggy's so he can squeeze it. The voice seems to be gone. Stick would have uttered something about how pitiful or gross that simple exchange was by now. Matt takes several more deep breaths to calm down but it seems to do the opposite or the opposite of what he'd consider calming down because his eyes are wet with tears the next thing he knows. The breathing only seems to make it worse. ]
I'm sorry... for all of that.
[ He'd really like to climb back into Foggy's lap and wrap his arms around him now but he's not sure what Foggy is feeling and thinking after all that. Matt licks his lips and attempts to smile. ]
You're not just a distraction or a way to feel good. You're so much more than what he made it sound like. You know that, right?
I don't know what that really means.
[ He says with a faint smirk and the breathless laugh that follows runs right into a sigh of relief. He waits another minute, turning his hand over under Foggy's so he can squeeze it. The voice seems to be gone. Stick would have uttered something about how pitiful or gross that simple exchange was by now. Matt takes several more deep breaths to calm down but it seems to do the opposite or the opposite of what he'd consider calming down because his eyes are wet with tears the next thing he knows. The breathing only seems to make it worse. ]
I'm sorry... for all of that.
[ He'd really like to climb back into Foggy's lap and wrap his arms around him now but he's not sure what Foggy is feeling and thinking after all that. Matt licks his lips and attempts to smile. ]
You're not just a distraction or a way to feel good. You're so much more than what he made it sound like. You know that, right?
You're amazing, that's what that means. Don't worry, I'll give you an itemized presentation later.
[ No one appreciates Matt enough just for existing, as far as Foggy's concerned. Even Foggy's been remiss there, since he's pretty sure the last time he waxed poetic about all of Matt's virtues and tried to thank him just for being himself was when he was drunk just after graduation.
There are a lot more things that Foggy appreciates now, and he kind of thinks they both could use it after that.
Foggy squeezes his hand back as they wait out the silence, hoping like hell that the old shithead is actually gone, at least for the rest of the night. He's... hesitant to try to pull Matt into his lap again, even if that's what he wants more than anything, but he's not sure where they're at right now and he knows he couldn't handle Matt pulling away again.
He settles for curling his other hand around the back of Matt's neck, fingers scratching soothingly through Matt's hair. ]
You don't have to apologize for him, or for the situation. Don't get me wrong, it really sucked, but I'd rather be here for it.
I - [ And he hesitates, because he's still got Matt's hand pressed against his chest, which means Matt's going to know if he lies. He's still not quite sure how good those heart reading skills are - apparently not enough to tell what kind of love Foggy meant when he said I love you buddy or to pick up the nuances in his attraction.
It's just he's pretty sure it'll register as a flat out lie if he says that he knows that, and he doesn't want to do that to Matt. Right now he hasn't been able to shake off the resurfacing of some of his doubts, but that doesn't mean he always has them. ]
I'm working on remembering that I know that.
[ No one appreciates Matt enough just for existing, as far as Foggy's concerned. Even Foggy's been remiss there, since he's pretty sure the last time he waxed poetic about all of Matt's virtues and tried to thank him just for being himself was when he was drunk just after graduation.
There are a lot more things that Foggy appreciates now, and he kind of thinks they both could use it after that.
Foggy squeezes his hand back as they wait out the silence, hoping like hell that the old shithead is actually gone, at least for the rest of the night. He's... hesitant to try to pull Matt into his lap again, even if that's what he wants more than anything, but he's not sure where they're at right now and he knows he couldn't handle Matt pulling away again.
He settles for curling his other hand around the back of Matt's neck, fingers scratching soothingly through Matt's hair. ]
You don't have to apologize for him, or for the situation. Don't get me wrong, it really sucked, but I'd rather be here for it.
I - [ And he hesitates, because he's still got Matt's hand pressed against his chest, which means Matt's going to know if he lies. He's still not quite sure how good those heart reading skills are - apparently not enough to tell what kind of love Foggy meant when he said I love you buddy or to pick up the nuances in his attraction.
It's just he's pretty sure it'll register as a flat out lie if he says that he knows that, and he doesn't want to do that to Matt. Right now he hasn't been able to shake off the resurfacing of some of his doubts, but that doesn't mean he always has them. ]
I'm working on remembering that I know that.
[ Matt's shoulders relax at Foggy's touch at the back of his neck and head. Stick is gone. It's alright, that might not have even been his spirit to begin with. Matt leans forward a little without thinking so Foggy can reach easier. He really wishes Foggy hadn't heard any of it but at the same time he knows he'd be in a great deal more pain right now if he was alone. ]
Yeah...
[ It did suck. He still feels like he owed that apology though. Stick's voice raised a number of points Matt hadn't even thought about consciously. Of course Stick's voice would be somewhere deep down inside him trying to tell him what to do, what to think, especially in war and matters of protecting people.
Matt's heart aches at Foggy's hesitant answer and he draws in a breath and braces himself until all of Foggy's words are out. A part of him ridicules himself; Foggy wouldn't be unsure if it was someone else, it's only because he's with you and your troubles that he has to go through this. Matt pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind as he moves closer and draws his hands up to hold Foggy's face in his hands. ]
I'm not just here to have another warm body in bed. I love you.
[ Matt's eyebrows arch up even more as he pauses and tries to point his eyes closer to level with Foggy's. Anything to help drive what he's trying to express. ]
I- I have spent years telling myself that Stick was right. That I was better alone, or keeping secrets, or that I was not the type of person who could be with someone like you. And I still have trouble believing that I deserve the kindest and most amazing person that I've ever known. But- But you pulled me close and told me you love me, I told you things and you still love me, and after four months I find myself starting to believe that I can have this. I- I have been happy, Foggy. And it confuses me- is it okay to be happy after what happened to Stick and Elektra? During a war that I don't know if I can even fight? What if I lose you next? What if I can't protect you?
[ He blinks the tears out of his eyes an inhales a shaky breath. ]
He's wrong. It's not for distraction, this is real. And I don't know how to- how to put words to it because yes, the sex is the best I've ever had in my life, all of it is the best I've ever had. But it's more than that- I...
It's more than being with someone. It's being with you. I'm falling in love with you more every single day, Foggy, and it terrifies me.
Yeah...
[ It did suck. He still feels like he owed that apology though. Stick's voice raised a number of points Matt hadn't even thought about consciously. Of course Stick's voice would be somewhere deep down inside him trying to tell him what to do, what to think, especially in war and matters of protecting people.
Matt's heart aches at Foggy's hesitant answer and he draws in a breath and braces himself until all of Foggy's words are out. A part of him ridicules himself; Foggy wouldn't be unsure if it was someone else, it's only because he's with you and your troubles that he has to go through this. Matt pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind as he moves closer and draws his hands up to hold Foggy's face in his hands. ]
I'm not just here to have another warm body in bed. I love you.
[ Matt's eyebrows arch up even more as he pauses and tries to point his eyes closer to level with Foggy's. Anything to help drive what he's trying to express. ]
I- I have spent years telling myself that Stick was right. That I was better alone, or keeping secrets, or that I was not the type of person who could be with someone like you. And I still have trouble believing that I deserve the kindest and most amazing person that I've ever known. But- But you pulled me close and told me you love me, I told you things and you still love me, and after four months I find myself starting to believe that I can have this. I- I have been happy, Foggy. And it confuses me- is it okay to be happy after what happened to Stick and Elektra? During a war that I don't know if I can even fight? What if I lose you next? What if I can't protect you?
[ He blinks the tears out of his eyes an inhales a shaky breath. ]
He's wrong. It's not for distraction, this is real. And I don't know how to- how to put words to it because yes, the sex is the best I've ever had in my life, all of it is the best I've ever had. But it's more than that- I...
It's more than being with someone. It's being with you. I'm falling in love with you more every single day, Foggy, and it terrifies me.
[ Really, the only thing Foggy feels like he might've accepted an apology for is Matt jerking away from him in the beginning there - but even that he understands, no matter how much it hurt. It's... definitely something they'll have to talk about, of course, at some point, but there was a whole hell of a lot there and Foggy's still trying to sort through it and pick which issues to start with.
That hadn't been what he planned when he thought about nudging Matt towards talking to him about things, but they're out now, and he'll take it.
There's a part of him that'd known that Matt'd do whatever he could to quell Foggy's hesitations, no matter how carefully he tried to phrase his response, but he still never gets tired of his faith in Matt coming through. There's a shuddery breath as Matt takes his face in his hands, and tries to make an approximation of eye contact. And God, Foggy appreciates the gesture so damn much - Matt's eyes are absolutely beautiful, all right, and he still feels a little thrill when Matt lets himself be that vulnerable around him.
Still, he leans in to rest his forehead against Matt's, to press a brief kiss to each of his eyes, to make sure that Matt can feel his response. ]
That's a lot of words to tell me I'm special. [ He says like he isn't shifting down to press his smile to Matt's cheek, like the warmth and love isn't completely obvious in his voice. God he loves Matt more than anything, and he still can't believe he's allowed to express it as much as he wants. ]
First - hey, I know I've said it before, but I'm going to keep saying it so you're just going to have to put up with it - of course you deserve kindness and happiness. You don't have to do anything to deserve those, you just do. You're worth loving just as you are. But it's okay to be confused about that after everything. Second -
[ Foggy pauses for a moment as he considers his words, running his fingers absently trough Matt's hair. ]
I know everyone says that love is huge and messy and scary, but it doesn't have to be, Matt. Not with you and me. Love is - love is this. It's knowing that at the end of the day, whether it was good or bad, whether we argued or agreed, I'll always have your back and you'll always have mine. [ He kisses him, then, and he means to keep it brief, but, well, he maybe gets a little bit distracted.
By the time he pulls away, he's a little bit breathless, and it definitely shows in his voice. ]
We've had this all along; we just didn't call it what it was because we were stupid and scared. And I - I have my own things I worry about that I need to work through, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not scared. Not when it's you.
That hadn't been what he planned when he thought about nudging Matt towards talking to him about things, but they're out now, and he'll take it.
There's a part of him that'd known that Matt'd do whatever he could to quell Foggy's hesitations, no matter how carefully he tried to phrase his response, but he still never gets tired of his faith in Matt coming through. There's a shuddery breath as Matt takes his face in his hands, and tries to make an approximation of eye contact. And God, Foggy appreciates the gesture so damn much - Matt's eyes are absolutely beautiful, all right, and he still feels a little thrill when Matt lets himself be that vulnerable around him.
Still, he leans in to rest his forehead against Matt's, to press a brief kiss to each of his eyes, to make sure that Matt can feel his response. ]
That's a lot of words to tell me I'm special. [ He says like he isn't shifting down to press his smile to Matt's cheek, like the warmth and love isn't completely obvious in his voice. God he loves Matt more than anything, and he still can't believe he's allowed to express it as much as he wants. ]
First - hey, I know I've said it before, but I'm going to keep saying it so you're just going to have to put up with it - of course you deserve kindness and happiness. You don't have to do anything to deserve those, you just do. You're worth loving just as you are. But it's okay to be confused about that after everything. Second -
[ Foggy pauses for a moment as he considers his words, running his fingers absently trough Matt's hair. ]
I know everyone says that love is huge and messy and scary, but it doesn't have to be, Matt. Not with you and me. Love is - love is this. It's knowing that at the end of the day, whether it was good or bad, whether we argued or agreed, I'll always have your back and you'll always have mine. [ He kisses him, then, and he means to keep it brief, but, well, he maybe gets a little bit distracted.
By the time he pulls away, he's a little bit breathless, and it definitely shows in his voice. ]
We've had this all along; we just didn't call it what it was because we were stupid and scared. And I - I have my own things I worry about that I need to work through, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not scared. Not when it's you.
[ The ache in Matt's chest dies down at the simple touch of their foreheads and the gentle kiss to each of his eyelids. He keeps his eyes closed between each kiss and for a little afterward, warmth starting to spread in his veins. Another emotional confession and Foggy still more than accepts him.
The smile against his cheek and the amused tone of Foggy's voice brings a small smile to Matt's face as well. Good. He sounds a lot more confident now. Matt blinks, not entirely sure what to make of the idea that it's okay to be confused over his happiness. As much as he has grieved in the past he never felt the need to stop and ask someone if it was alright to be happy so soon after a loss. Probably because the things that made him smile still not long after his father's death, or Stick leaving, were all simple pleasures. Nothing comparable to this. And nothing that involved his heart so entirely.
Foggy's next point though, that what they have at this very moment is love, makes Matt's trail of thought come to an abrupt stop. It's true. When he says he's afraid it's not of this, it's of the part where he messes up and ends up alone. The sense of dread. But Foggy is here now pressing a kiss to his lips after all the years they've known each other after the firm closed and Matt believed they were done, after he told him his secrets, and there's not a hint of hesitation in Foggy's "I love you's." Matt loses himself for a moment in the kiss, trying to pour what he's feeling into it. He can't help chasing Foggy's lips when they stop for breath and he moves closer, legs bumping into Foggy's, hands and arms starting to find their way back around his neck again like before they were interrupted by the voice. His heart surges at Foggy's words, his breath hitching. ]
...You make an excellent point. It's like you persuade people for a living.
[ Matt cracks a smile and climbs back into Foggy's lap properly. ]
You've always been the exception. You've stayed with me longer than anyone... You're right, we have been in love, the entire time.
[ It feels like another physical weight just lifted from the inside of him the same way it did that first night when their feelings finally were spoken and the morning after when they agreed to be together. He leans in to hug him tighter, brushing his lips against his cheek, and turning his head to murmur in his ear. ]
I'm yours. I've always been yours. And you're mine, Foggy.
[ He can't help it if his tone turns mischevious when he says his name despite how emotional he is saying it, not when he's said the same type of thing before in bed, though it feels more real and absolute this time, less like a new declaration. A fact. He leans back enough to press their foreheads together again. His hands run up and down Foggy's shoulders and upper back. ]
...I know I shouldn't be worried, it's you. I know in my head. I just-
[ A sigh escapes him. ]
I carry a voice a lot like that one inside of me. I have for a long time. And with this war and difficulty fighting, and... losing him and Elektra a second time... It's hard not to hear.
The smile against his cheek and the amused tone of Foggy's voice brings a small smile to Matt's face as well. Good. He sounds a lot more confident now. Matt blinks, not entirely sure what to make of the idea that it's okay to be confused over his happiness. As much as he has grieved in the past he never felt the need to stop and ask someone if it was alright to be happy so soon after a loss. Probably because the things that made him smile still not long after his father's death, or Stick leaving, were all simple pleasures. Nothing comparable to this. And nothing that involved his heart so entirely.
Foggy's next point though, that what they have at this very moment is love, makes Matt's trail of thought come to an abrupt stop. It's true. When he says he's afraid it's not of this, it's of the part where he messes up and ends up alone. The sense of dread. But Foggy is here now pressing a kiss to his lips after all the years they've known each other after the firm closed and Matt believed they were done, after he told him his secrets, and there's not a hint of hesitation in Foggy's "I love you's." Matt loses himself for a moment in the kiss, trying to pour what he's feeling into it. He can't help chasing Foggy's lips when they stop for breath and he moves closer, legs bumping into Foggy's, hands and arms starting to find their way back around his neck again like before they were interrupted by the voice. His heart surges at Foggy's words, his breath hitching. ]
...You make an excellent point. It's like you persuade people for a living.
[ Matt cracks a smile and climbs back into Foggy's lap properly. ]
You've always been the exception. You've stayed with me longer than anyone... You're right, we have been in love, the entire time.
[ It feels like another physical weight just lifted from the inside of him the same way it did that first night when their feelings finally were spoken and the morning after when they agreed to be together. He leans in to hug him tighter, brushing his lips against his cheek, and turning his head to murmur in his ear. ]
I'm yours. I've always been yours. And you're mine, Foggy.
[ He can't help it if his tone turns mischevious when he says his name despite how emotional he is saying it, not when he's said the same type of thing before in bed, though it feels more real and absolute this time, less like a new declaration. A fact. He leans back enough to press their foreheads together again. His hands run up and down Foggy's shoulders and upper back. ]
...I know I shouldn't be worried, it's you. I know in my head. I just-
[ A sigh escapes him. ]
I carry a voice a lot like that one inside of me. I have for a long time. And with this war and difficulty fighting, and... losing him and Elektra a second time... It's hard not to hear.
[ It is just as wonderful, especially now that he doesn't have to try to pretend how much he enjoys having Matt's hands on him. And he likes making little gestures like that for Matt, he always has. A lot of habits he's picked up over the years of knowing Matt may not have been as necessary as he thought - or even more necessary, when it comes to things like scent and touch - but they're a part of who he is now, and he does them without even thinking.
He laughs at Matt's headshake, still a little skeptical. Look, maybe Foggy can admit that he's biased, but Matt is both amazing and apparently slightly oblivious when it comes to people being interested in him. He's still pretty sure that more people had crushes on the guy than he'll ever know.
And Foggy used to consider himself one of those people, but fortunately for him, it's working out better than he ever could have imagined. He's still grinning as he fastens the bracelet around his wrist.
He's about ready to voice his skepticism teasingly, until Matt's gaze drops, and Foggy knows that means Matt's thoughts have gone somewhere that are a lot more painful than he's letting on. ]
I know that look. Oh, wait, hey - is this a "sad Matt Murdock I don't want to talk about it and make myself vulnerable" thing or a "magic ninja super power I can't talk about it but I don't want to lie" thing? I always figured it was the first but I'm thinking I might have to re-categorize some things. [ Not the point, Nelson. ] ...sorry. But you can talk to me, Matt.
He laughs at Matt's headshake, still a little skeptical. Look, maybe Foggy can admit that he's biased, but Matt is both amazing and apparently slightly oblivious when it comes to people being interested in him. He's still pretty sure that more people had crushes on the guy than he'll ever know.
And Foggy used to consider himself one of those people, but fortunately for him, it's working out better than he ever could have imagined. He's still grinning as he fastens the bracelet around his wrist.
He's about ready to voice his skepticism teasingly, until Matt's gaze drops, and Foggy knows that means Matt's thoughts have gone somewhere that are a lot more painful than he's letting on. ]
I know that look. Oh, wait, hey - is this a "sad Matt Murdock I don't want to talk about it and make myself vulnerable" thing or a "magic ninja super power I can't talk about it but I don't want to lie" thing? I always figured it was the first but I'm thinking I might have to re-categorize some things. [ Not the point, Nelson. ] ...sorry. But you can talk to me, Matt.
[ Matt's head and eyes tilt up as soon as Foggy speaks. He retains a neutral poker face right up until Foggy reminds him he can tell him what's on his mind. Matt shifts on his feet, debating whether or not he should. It's not that he plans on never telling Foggy about it but it's Foggy's birthday, not a time when he wants to drag the mood down. Then again now that he's curious Foggy might prefer to hear it. Matt purses his lips and rocks his head side to side before finally replying. ]
It's just... A memory. I don't make things that often as you know. So it was a little more personal as a gift which is why I wanted to give you one now and before. Kind of like how gardening here has meant something special to me.
I gave a bracelet to one other person -or tried to. The day I met him Stick took me to the park and we ate ice cream. I held on to the cone wrapper and made one from that. Then I tried to give it to him after my lesson one day and that was when he...
[ Matt takes a breath, his head hanging. He rubs at the back of his neck to buy so time then lifts his head again and wets his lips, forcing a grim smile. ]
He decided I was getting too emotionally attached to him and ended my training. Then he walked out the door and I didn't hear from him for years.
It's just... A memory. I don't make things that often as you know. So it was a little more personal as a gift which is why I wanted to give you one now and before. Kind of like how gardening here has meant something special to me.
I gave a bracelet to one other person -or tried to. The day I met him Stick took me to the park and we ate ice cream. I held on to the cone wrapper and made one from that. Then I tried to give it to him after my lesson one day and that was when he...
[ Matt takes a breath, his head hanging. He rubs at the back of his neck to buy so time then lifts his head again and wets his lips, forcing a grim smile. ]
He decided I was getting too emotionally attached to him and ended my training. Then he walked out the door and I didn't hear from him for years.
[ Damn right Foggy wants to hear it. He waits, watching Matt closely as he debates with himself, and he can't stop the hint of a smile when Matt decides to talk.
Don't get him wrong, he absolutely adores the bracelet and he's not letting it go for anything, but Matt being honest and sharing another piece of himself is a pretty good birthday present, too, as far as Foggy's concerned.
Even though what he says is - yeah, he's not sure if that counts as don't want to talk about it because vulnerability or don't want to talk about it because ninja powers. Maybe both. Either way, it's about as painful as he expected.
His heart clenches, and there's a tightness in his chest that he knows means his emotions can't really decide if they want to be more heartbroken or more angry and have gone with a twist of both. ]
Fuck that guy. [ It's soft but emphatic, and Foggy's starting to regret he never met the guy to give him a piece of his mind. ]
Wait, so - even after he took off like a douchebag at the slightest hint of an emotion more complex than piss and vinegar - you still made me one?
Don't get him wrong, he absolutely adores the bracelet and he's not letting it go for anything, but Matt being honest and sharing another piece of himself is a pretty good birthday present, too, as far as Foggy's concerned.
Even though what he says is - yeah, he's not sure if that counts as don't want to talk about it because vulnerability or don't want to talk about it because ninja powers. Maybe both. Either way, it's about as painful as he expected.
His heart clenches, and there's a tightness in his chest that he knows means his emotions can't really decide if they want to be more heartbroken or more angry and have gone with a twist of both. ]
Fuck that guy. [ It's soft but emphatic, and Foggy's starting to regret he never met the guy to give him a piece of his mind. ]
Wait, so - even after he took off like a douchebag at the slightest hint of an emotion more complex than piss and vinegar - you still made me one?
[ Foggy's little "Fuck that guy" gets an amused snort and the corners of Matt's mouth start to tug into a smile. He's reminded of previous conversations about exes and social disappointments and Foggy's casual but empathetic little grumbles or groans. ]
Technically, I made you two but yeah. I wanted you to have something that was special to me because you are.
[ Don't look now Foggy but your boyfriend is starting to blush now that he heard how cheesy that sounded aloud. ]
Technically, I made you two but yeah. I wanted you to have something that was special to me because you are.
[ Don't look now Foggy but your boyfriend is starting to blush now that he heard how cheesy that sounded aloud. ]
Matt.
[ He says his name almost like a prayer, soft and reverent. He's never going to get tired of Matt telling him that he's special to him - or of Matt blushing - but it's more than that.
Foggy'd been so angry, so hurt that Matt had never trusted him enough to tell him anything about this side of him. That he hadn't trusted Foggy the way Foggy trusted him, with everything that he was. Foggy would have told Matt, he still knows that, but - Foggy isn't Matt.
With everything he knows about what Stick meant to Matt and just how badly him leaving like that had affected him, no wonder Matt was so afraid to trust anyone completely, or to do anything that would make him risk losing someone. And yet - and yet Matt was willing to take a risk on him, to trust that he wouldn't react the way Stick did. That he'd stay.
There are so many ways that Matt did trust him, and Foggy can see that now. He shouldn't have expected Matt to conform to his timeline. ]
I'm still mad at you for the way I found out about your senses, and for all the shitty communication and ditching me like an asshole you did after that. But I don't forgive you for not telling me sooner, because there's nothing to forgive. You're the bravest guy I know, Matt, thank you for taking a risk on trusting me as much as you did.
[ He says his name almost like a prayer, soft and reverent. He's never going to get tired of Matt telling him that he's special to him - or of Matt blushing - but it's more than that.
Foggy'd been so angry, so hurt that Matt had never trusted him enough to tell him anything about this side of him. That he hadn't trusted Foggy the way Foggy trusted him, with everything that he was. Foggy would have told Matt, he still knows that, but - Foggy isn't Matt.
With everything he knows about what Stick meant to Matt and just how badly him leaving like that had affected him, no wonder Matt was so afraid to trust anyone completely, or to do anything that would make him risk losing someone. And yet - and yet Matt was willing to take a risk on him, to trust that he wouldn't react the way Stick did. That he'd stay.
There are so many ways that Matt did trust him, and Foggy can see that now. He shouldn't have expected Matt to conform to his timeline. ]
I'm still mad at you for the way I found out about your senses, and for all the shitty communication and ditching me like an asshole you did after that. But I don't forgive you for not telling me sooner, because there's nothing to forgive. You're the bravest guy I know, Matt, thank you for taking a risk on trusting me as much as you did.
[ Matt absolutely loves the sound of Foggy saying his name like that. The same way he had wanted to say Foggy's name for ages out loud to his face instead of in his head.
When Foggy brings up how he found out and the bad decisions that followed Matt's eyes dart ever so slightly side to side, nervously wondering where this is going. But when Foggy tells him he understands now just how difficult it was to take that risk he has to lean in and kiss him again, beaming at him as their lips part. ]
Thank you... For being patient with me as I figure things out... You're the best Fog.
When Foggy brings up how he found out and the bad decisions that followed Matt's eyes dart ever so slightly side to side, nervously wondering where this is going. But when Foggy tells him he understands now just how difficult it was to take that risk he has to lean in and kiss him again, beaming at him as their lips part. ]
Thank you... For being patient with me as I figure things out... You're the best Fog.
[ He huffs out a little chuckle, ducking his head at Matt's comment about him persuading people for a living. But he's got Matt settling back in his lap now, so he's guessing that wasn't overdoing it like he was a little bit worried it might've been. His hands rest on Matt's hips, then slide around until his arms are circling Matt's waist, holding onto him tightly. Despite his words, it's only then that the rest of the tension bleeds out of him.
Or at least, it does until Matt says that he's his. It always makes him catch his breath a little, gets him just a little bit more riled up in a way that he hasn't quite admitted out loud yet. He'd never really thought of himself as a possessive person - but then again, maybe it was more like he couldn't let himself think like that, because the only person he's ever wanted to be a little bit possessive over has been Matt, and he was pretty sure he was never going to have Matt the way he wanted.
But after hearing Stick - or whatever that was - toss out all of the reasons that they shouldn't belong to each other, well. His normal reaction is just a little bit dialed up, and the shiver that runs down his spine feels more like stepping into the hot spray of a shower. Or maybe it's Matt's hands, which, admittedly, is kind of likely, but still. He nips lightly at Matt's earlobe in retaliation, tugging it between his teeth for a moment before he reminds himself that he really isn't supposed to get distracted, here, and he actually does want to talk about some of this. ]
Come on, Matt. We're lawyers. We know half the time the best facts in the world don't matter half as much as what the jury's bringing into that courtroom with them, what their experiences are and how they feel about what's being told to them. This is just like that; it's gonna take more than a few months to come around to a new way of thinking, especially when you've got so much on your plate. But you and me - we'll win that voice over one of these days. Or at least make it shut up more often.
[ All right, maybe it's not just like that. But it's close, and it's arguably a better comparison than bringing up the butcher story again. ]
I'm not in this for a quick fix. I'm in it for the long haul. Whatever voices we've got, we'll face them together. [ He bumps Matt's back with a loosely curled fist, playful. ] Just remember it only works if you talk to me.
Or at least, it does until Matt says that he's his. It always makes him catch his breath a little, gets him just a little bit more riled up in a way that he hasn't quite admitted out loud yet. He'd never really thought of himself as a possessive person - but then again, maybe it was more like he couldn't let himself think like that, because the only person he's ever wanted to be a little bit possessive over has been Matt, and he was pretty sure he was never going to have Matt the way he wanted.
But after hearing Stick - or whatever that was - toss out all of the reasons that they shouldn't belong to each other, well. His normal reaction is just a little bit dialed up, and the shiver that runs down his spine feels more like stepping into the hot spray of a shower. Or maybe it's Matt's hands, which, admittedly, is kind of likely, but still. He nips lightly at Matt's earlobe in retaliation, tugging it between his teeth for a moment before he reminds himself that he really isn't supposed to get distracted, here, and he actually does want to talk about some of this. ]
Come on, Matt. We're lawyers. We know half the time the best facts in the world don't matter half as much as what the jury's bringing into that courtroom with them, what their experiences are and how they feel about what's being told to them. This is just like that; it's gonna take more than a few months to come around to a new way of thinking, especially when you've got so much on your plate. But you and me - we'll win that voice over one of these days. Or at least make it shut up more often.
[ All right, maybe it's not just like that. But it's close, and it's arguably a better comparison than bringing up the butcher story again. ]
I'm not in this for a quick fix. I'm in it for the long haul. Whatever voices we've got, we'll face them together. [ He bumps Matt's back with a loosely curled fist, playful. ] Just remember it only works if you talk to me.
[ The little nibble at his ear gets a soft delighted chuckle out of Matt before he's pressing their foreheads together. He's emotional but he makes a mental note to come back to how much Foggy liked hearing that in a bit.
Foggy's comparison makes sense, and Matt nods his head subtly. He should know all this by now, know Foggy is committed, knows he should talk, but then that's exactly the problem. He can't change overnight. Matt bites his lip and sighs again. Right. Still, he wants to push forward. Foggy had called him brave when he told him about the bracelet he had tried to give Stick. Matt hadn't really thought that sharing the memory was that brave, it felt more like something he was pushing out despite the discomfort in hopes it would lead to relief. He's used to keeping secrets but that didn't mean he didn't feel them eating away at him. ]
Okay.
[ Alright there's one thing that he feels down in his gut he should mention. It's not as if it's anywhere near as ugly as what that voice had just shared. Matt sits back, blinking rapidly as he purses his lips and gathers up the words in his head. ]
I've been praying. It um... It didn't feel right doing it close to the alters here. I found a quiet place near the river bank, there's a tree there. I stacked some rocks for each of them and sometimes I go visit...
[ He runs the back of his neck, fidgeting at his self-consciousness. ]
I don't know if it's really helping. I uh... I guess you could say I don't know how to grieve properly. I didn't do that well the last few times.
[ He ducks his head and laughs under his breath. ]
Foggy's comparison makes sense, and Matt nods his head subtly. He should know all this by now, know Foggy is committed, knows he should talk, but then that's exactly the problem. He can't change overnight. Matt bites his lip and sighs again. Right. Still, he wants to push forward. Foggy had called him brave when he told him about the bracelet he had tried to give Stick. Matt hadn't really thought that sharing the memory was that brave, it felt more like something he was pushing out despite the discomfort in hopes it would lead to relief. He's used to keeping secrets but that didn't mean he didn't feel them eating away at him. ]
Okay.
[ Alright there's one thing that he feels down in his gut he should mention. It's not as if it's anywhere near as ugly as what that voice had just shared. Matt sits back, blinking rapidly as he purses his lips and gathers up the words in his head. ]
I've been praying. It um... It didn't feel right doing it close to the alters here. I found a quiet place near the river bank, there's a tree there. I stacked some rocks for each of them and sometimes I go visit...
[ He runs the back of his neck, fidgeting at his self-consciousness. ]
I don't know if it's really helping. I uh... I guess you could say I don't know how to grieve properly. I didn't do that well the last few times.
[ He ducks his head and laughs under his breath. ]
[ Foggy gives a little laugh when Matt tells him that he's the best, and there's a little muttered of course I am even as he chases him down for another kiss, this one a little longer. ]
You're worth it.
[ He takes Matt's hand, curling it around his wrist so he can feel where Foggy'd put the bracelet on. ]
I'm starting to get now why it's hard for you to believe I'm not going to leave, and I'll try to keep being patient about it. But I won't, Matt, not ever. I might take a few days to cool down when we fight, but I'm going no where. You're stuck with me, buddy.
You're worth it.
[ He takes Matt's hand, curling it around his wrist so he can feel where Foggy'd put the bracelet on. ]
I'm starting to get now why it's hard for you to believe I'm not going to leave, and I'll try to keep being patient about it. But I won't, Matt, not ever. I might take a few days to cool down when we fight, but I'm going no where. You're stuck with me, buddy.
[ Okay.
Whatever distractions Foggy might've been tempted by kind of fade into the background at that. Foggy's always thought that Matt talking to him about the important things was special, even back in college. Even before all of this, he'd known that Matt didn't have all that many people to talk to, and getting him to open up even a little is probably one of the things Foggy's the most proud of.
It feels even more important now, and Foggy's going to give it all of his attention. His thumbs rub little circles into Matt's back, absently soothing as he listens.
And then realizes his mistake, because encouraging Matt to talk to him means he actually has to say something back. Usually that part is his strong suit, but when it comes to things like this? Foggy has no idea what he's doing. He's not going to pretend like he does, either, not with Matt. This is about honesty. ]
I don't know if there is a proper way to grieve - and if there is, I'm probably not the best person to go into it. [ Not with how he reacted to Elena and Ben's deaths, and when growing up every wake was filled with his relatives getting wasted. ] I'm pretty sure she stole this from somewhere, but Aunt Ellie used to say that mourning rites are just as much for the ones left behind as the ones gone. The things we do to honor them, it's also about remembering them and keeping them alive in us. And I guess here - it's probably about accepting that there's nothing more you could have done.
Whatever distractions Foggy might've been tempted by kind of fade into the background at that. Foggy's always thought that Matt talking to him about the important things was special, even back in college. Even before all of this, he'd known that Matt didn't have all that many people to talk to, and getting him to open up even a little is probably one of the things Foggy's the most proud of.
It feels even more important now, and Foggy's going to give it all of his attention. His thumbs rub little circles into Matt's back, absently soothing as he listens.
And then realizes his mistake, because encouraging Matt to talk to him means he actually has to say something back. Usually that part is his strong suit, but when it comes to things like this? Foggy has no idea what he's doing. He's not going to pretend like he does, either, not with Matt. This is about honesty. ]
I don't know if there is a proper way to grieve - and if there is, I'm probably not the best person to go into it. [ Not with how he reacted to Elena and Ben's deaths, and when growing up every wake was filled with his relatives getting wasted. ] I'm pretty sure she stole this from somewhere, but Aunt Ellie used to say that mourning rites are just as much for the ones left behind as the ones gone. The things we do to honor them, it's also about remembering them and keeping them alive in us. And I guess here - it's probably about accepting that there's nothing more you could have done.
[ Matt runs his fingers over the weave of the bracelet which easily transitions into holding Foggy's wrist gently and rubbing circles over the inside of his wrist with his thumb. His smile grows at several of the things Foggy says, going back and forth from his softer listening smile to his wider emotional one. ]
You really are the best.
[ He says nearly breathless, lacking better words. ]
...That... That means a lot...
I don't know if it's worth anything now but... I feel like I should tell you that...
[ He bows his head toward the floor for a second then lifts it. ]
I wanted to tell you the truth, back in college when we became best friends and fell in love. I didn't think I had a choice but I still wanted. I wish I had known what I know now.
You really are the best.
[ He says nearly breathless, lacking better words. ]
...That... That means a lot...
I don't know if it's worth anything now but... I feel like I should tell you that...
[ He bows his head toward the floor for a second then lifts it. ]
I wanted to tell you the truth, back in college when we became best friends and fell in love. I didn't think I had a choice but I still wanted. I wish I had known what I know now.
[ Matt thinks of saying something about Foggy not being a grief counselor so it's understandable he struggles with it too but Aunt Ellie's words are thought-provoking and lead him down a different trail of thought. Accepting that there's nothing more you could have done. Matt squeezes his eyes closed and sighs before mumbling out ]
Easier said than done.
[ Stating the obvious. He gives a single breathless chuckle. ]
I keep replaying moments in my head, re-examining my choices, wondering if maybe I had said something different or taken better precautions, maybe they would have lived. Or maybe at least they wouldn't have had to die the way that they did.
Easier said than done.
[ Stating the obvious. He gives a single breathless chuckle. ]
I keep replaying moments in my head, re-examining my choices, wondering if maybe I had said something different or taken better precautions, maybe they would have lived. Or maybe at least they wouldn't have had to die the way that they did.
[ He gives a little snort, not exactly amused, but yeah. Easier said than done, and that's something that Foggy's thought himself. He can just imagine how much worse it might be for Matt, who always thinks there's something more he could have done.
Foggy's tempted to shake him, teasingly, make a joke about seeing if he can try to dislodge some of the world that Matt carries around on his shoulders. But Matt keeps talking, and the moment for trying to hide an offer to help in a joke passes - if it was ever even there, maybe he was just latching on to any opportunity to fall back on a familiar reaction. ]
I know. But it doesn't help, after Elena, I - [ Drank a lot to avoid exactly those kind of thoughts, which works for him but honestly isn't something he can recommend, and slept with Marci, which, well, ditto, and finally put everything he had into helping take down Fisk, and he still can't let it go. It's a different guilt than Matt's, but it's still one of the things that drives him.
And it's a bad example no matter what, because it just reminds him that it's one of the many things that he and Matt had argued about. ]
It doesn't help. Maybe you'd have just died with them - [ Or instead of them, except he's afraid to say that, because he's pretty sure that Matt'd consider that an actual acceptable alternative. ] - or maybe someone else would've died, or maybe something worse would've happened. We can't live on maybes.
Foggy's tempted to shake him, teasingly, make a joke about seeing if he can try to dislodge some of the world that Matt carries around on his shoulders. But Matt keeps talking, and the moment for trying to hide an offer to help in a joke passes - if it was ever even there, maybe he was just latching on to any opportunity to fall back on a familiar reaction. ]
I know. But it doesn't help, after Elena, I - [ Drank a lot to avoid exactly those kind of thoughts, which works for him but honestly isn't something he can recommend, and slept with Marci, which, well, ditto, and finally put everything he had into helping take down Fisk, and he still can't let it go. It's a different guilt than Matt's, but it's still one of the things that drives him.
And it's a bad example no matter what, because it just reminds him that it's one of the many things that he and Matt had argued about. ]
It doesn't help. Maybe you'd have just died with them - [ Or instead of them, except he's afraid to say that, because he's pretty sure that Matt'd consider that an actual acceptable alternative. ] - or maybe someone else would've died, or maybe something worse would've happened. We can't live on maybes.
Well, I'm not going to argue with that.
[ He is the best, honestly, or at least he kind of feels like he is for being able to get Matt to smile like that. The semi joking tone fades, though, and for a moment the heart beat in Foggy's wrist picks up in anxiety - what the hell else does Matt feel like he needs to tell him that has to be prefaced with a statement like that - but then evens out when Matt continues. ]
It is worth something. I mean, the part where I thought that our friendship was fake and you were just laughing at me passed pretty quick, but wondering if you ever even wanted to tell me still stuck around.
[ He hadn't been sure which one he was more angry over: Matt never actually feeling like they were close enough for him to want to tell Foggy at all, or him not knowing Foggy well enough - not trusting him enough - to know that he wouldn't... well, actually, he's not sure what Matt thought Foggy'd do, and it occurs to him to ask. ]
What were you afraid of, that you didn't?
[ Foggy's got a lot of guesses, ranging from afraid Foggy would freak out to afraid Foggy'd turn him into the police or over to a lab or something to just afraid Foggy'd leave, but guessing and assuming what Matt's intentions and thoughts were over this hasn't really helped that much. ]
[ He is the best, honestly, or at least he kind of feels like he is for being able to get Matt to smile like that. The semi joking tone fades, though, and for a moment the heart beat in Foggy's wrist picks up in anxiety - what the hell else does Matt feel like he needs to tell him that has to be prefaced with a statement like that - but then evens out when Matt continues. ]
It is worth something. I mean, the part where I thought that our friendship was fake and you were just laughing at me passed pretty quick, but wondering if you ever even wanted to tell me still stuck around.
[ He hadn't been sure which one he was more angry over: Matt never actually feeling like they were close enough for him to want to tell Foggy at all, or him not knowing Foggy well enough - not trusting him enough - to know that he wouldn't... well, actually, he's not sure what Matt thought Foggy'd do, and it occurs to him to ask. ]
What were you afraid of, that you didn't?
[ Foggy's got a lot of guesses, ranging from afraid Foggy would freak out to afraid Foggy'd turn him into the police or over to a lab or something to just afraid Foggy'd leave, but guessing and assuming what Matt's intentions and thoughts were over this hasn't really helped that much. ]
[ Matt tries to smile through his explanation even when his voice falters and gets caught up in his throat along the way. ]
I was worried you'd think I was a freak. Who stays best friends or roommates with the guy that knows that much just by being in the same room? People don't like their secrets discovered even if they're promised it won't get out. Not that I'm all-knowing but a lot of people would assume it was like that if they had just a little idea of how much I can sense. It's only human to respond to that type of revelation with fear or disgust.
...And you hating me was one of the worst things I could imagine.
[ It's simple, maybe unbelievably so for a decision that held so much weight and led to all that trouble and regret, but it's the truth. ]
I was worried you'd think I was a freak. Who stays best friends or roommates with the guy that knows that much just by being in the same room? People don't like their secrets discovered even if they're promised it won't get out. Not that I'm all-knowing but a lot of people would assume it was like that if they had just a little idea of how much I can sense. It's only human to respond to that type of revelation with fear or disgust.
...And you hating me was one of the worst things I could imagine.
[ It's simple, maybe unbelievably so for a decision that held so much weight and led to all that trouble and regret, but it's the truth. ]
[ Matt bows his head in silence. Everything involving Fisk from Elena's death onward had been a whirlwind and despite the time that had passed since it still brings an icy sting to his chest. Elena, Ben, the threat that Fisk wasn't finished, even the revelation and fight he had with Foggy hurts despite where they are in the present. And that's... really not helping him feel any better about Stick and Elektra now that he's remembering. God how long has it been since he last thought about what happened to Urich?
He takes another deep breath. ]
Asking what I could do feels like the one thing I can come up with for them. Everything else I start to think gets... caught somewhere deep down. I know it's there but I put it off. Like I've put off other things, for years.
[ He smiles faintly and leans in to hug Foggy close, dropping a kiss to his shoulder. Like this for example. ]
I feel a lot but I don't know what to do with most of it the majority of the time. Another thing I miss about my senses, turns out they made a great distraction.
He takes another deep breath. ]
Asking what I could do feels like the one thing I can come up with for them. Everything else I start to think gets... caught somewhere deep down. I know it's there but I put it off. Like I've put off other things, for years.
[ He smiles faintly and leans in to hug Foggy close, dropping a kiss to his shoulder. Like this for example. ]
I feel a lot but I don't know what to do with most of it the majority of the time. Another thing I miss about my senses, turns out they made a great distraction.
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