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Foggy Nelson ([personal profile] avvocato) wrote2018-04-30 05:56 pm

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blessmefather: (Is that this)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-19 07:34 am (UTC)(link)
[ Matt filled in the answer to Stick's question immediately in his head. "Elektra and... me." But Foggy starts listing names and Matt lifts his head slightly. Foggy is right. Stick didn't even really know any of the other people regardless of whatever info collecting he did before he showed up in that restaurant. They all fought on their own terms.

"No, it's not that simple. Stick's philosophy didn't mean fighting the war all alone, he was the first to tell me and the others that together we could defeat the Hand." Matt bites his lip. Just like that, like instinct, some little voice in his head was arguing on behalf of Stick, and to Foggy of all people. He feels sick. He's shouting on the inside and clawing at the walls of his mind, beating himself down.

"You've been telling Scruffy only half the story haven't you? He thinks I taught you to fight all alone. You're the one who keeps insisting on playing hero and doing everything alone Matty. I had an entire army by my side. I turned to you for help when I needed it. Why do you think I set you up with Elektra? It wasn't just to remind you of who you really are, it was to show you what fighting alongside another warrior was like."

Matt shakes his head frantically.
]

You said I should give up my friends! Why was Elektra any different?

[ "You know why Matty. She was willing to let you become what you were meant to be. She accepted a part of you Scruff will never understand because she was the same. He can talk all he wants about Roman Emperors and gods, impressive how much he can pull out of his ass. Doesn't change the cold hard truth that you were born to fight. Do him a favor and stop pretending that he'll ever accept that."

Matt feels Foggy squeezing his knee. He hears Foggy's words but only barely. It feels like his heart fell into his gut and Foggy seems distant and sounds far away. He blinks and holds back his tears. Who's right? It's hard to tell, he can't think clearly.
]

I don't know anymore, Fog. I don't... Don't think I did more good than harm. Fisk has prison guards and other inmates in his pocket already. I hurt you and I hurt Karen. Everyone that I once helped nearly died at that warehouse. And Elektra... I- I thought I could save people but I'm starting to think that I was wrong. Now I'm here and I can't even- I can't protect you or Karen. I know that others wonder why I'm here, what could I possibly do to help, and I thought I could prove them wrong but I still can't. Maybe if I had been stronger, maybe if I had learned a little more from him...
blessmefather: (The keywords so that)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-19 09:27 am (UTC)(link)
[ Stick's voice still doesn't pick a fight with Foggy. Matt knows Foggy's argument has some sort of credit to it. Even emotional, Foggy can gather the facts and build a case in his head, a talent that could put lawyers with more experience to shame. Still, it's difficult to process, just like it's difficult to listen to Foggy and Stick arguing the same way two sides in his own head do all the time.

Foggy grabs Matt's hand and presses it to his chest, Matt's heart immediately leaping, eyes pointing toward the contact. His throat feels too tight again, emotions stirring up as he thinks about what the gesture has come to mean to them in the past few months. Thinking about how Foggy pleaded with him not to push him away again.

Stick's voice scoffs. "Back to distracting yourself with his sweet talk and sex? You're making the same old mistake again, telling yourself you'll find relief between someone else's legs. Nobody will make you feel complete and truly alive the way fighting does Matty. Remember what I said about soft things. It's only a matter of time before your boyfriend suffers and it won't matter how big his loud mouth or his dick is."

Matt's entire body goes rigid, something inside of him snaps. His hand on Foggy's chest curls into a fist.
]

And I told you that I'm more than just a warrior but you never listened. I should have stopped listening to you a long time ago. You know I took your advice, I kept my abilities secret, tried pushing the people I love away but it didn't fix my problems, it only hurt and made me hate myself more. I get to decide how I want to live my life now. And if you had a body right now I would kick your ass for insulting the man I love.
blessmefather: (instead of)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-20 08:23 am (UTC)(link)
[ In the moment of silence that follows his outburst the room seems silent save for his breath and heartbeat drumming. Then he feels Foggy's thumb brushing over his knuckles and the chill in his veins fades away. Foggy speaks and Matt lifts his head, fist slowly uncurling. ]

I don't know what that really means.

[ He says with a faint smirk and the breathless laugh that follows runs right into a sigh of relief. He waits another minute, turning his hand over under Foggy's so he can squeeze it. The voice seems to be gone. Stick would have uttered something about how pitiful or gross that simple exchange was by now. Matt takes several more deep breaths to calm down but it seems to do the opposite or the opposite of what he'd consider calming down because his eyes are wet with tears the next thing he knows. The breathing only seems to make it worse. ]

I'm sorry... for all of that.

[ He'd really like to climb back into Foggy's lap and wrap his arms around him now but he's not sure what Foggy is feeling and thinking after all that. Matt licks his lips and attempts to smile. ]

You're not just a distraction or a way to feel good. You're so much more than what he made it sound like. You know that, right?
blessmefather: (My best guess)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-21 07:24 am (UTC)(link)
[ Matt's shoulders relax at Foggy's touch at the back of his neck and head. Stick is gone. It's alright, that might not have even been his spirit to begin with. Matt leans forward a little without thinking so Foggy can reach easier. He really wishes Foggy hadn't heard any of it but at the same time he knows he'd be in a great deal more pain right now if he was alone. ]

Yeah...

[ It did suck. He still feels like he owed that apology though. Stick's voice raised a number of points Matt hadn't even thought about consciously. Of course Stick's voice would be somewhere deep down inside him trying to tell him what to do, what to think, especially in war and matters of protecting people.

Matt's heart aches at Foggy's hesitant answer and he draws in a breath and braces himself until all of Foggy's words are out. A part of him ridicules himself; Foggy wouldn't be unsure if it was someone else, it's only because he's with you and your troubles that he has to go through this. Matt pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind as he moves closer and draws his hands up to hold Foggy's face in his hands.
]

I'm not just here to have another warm body in bed. I love you.

[ Matt's eyebrows arch up even more as he pauses and tries to point his eyes closer to level with Foggy's. Anything to help drive what he's trying to express. ]

I- I have spent years telling myself that Stick was right. That I was better alone, or keeping secrets, or that I was not the type of person who could be with someone like you. And I still have trouble believing that I deserve the kindest and most amazing person that I've ever known. But- But you pulled me close and told me you love me, I told you things and you still love me, and after four months I find myself starting to believe that I can have this. I- I have been happy, Foggy. And it confuses me- is it okay to be happy after what happened to Stick and Elektra? During a war that I don't know if I can even fight? What if I lose you next? What if I can't protect you?

[ He blinks the tears out of his eyes an inhales a shaky breath. ]

He's wrong. It's not for distraction, this is real. And I don't know how to- how to put words to it because yes, the sex is the best I've ever had in my life, all of it is the best I've ever had. But it's more than that- I...

It's more than being with someone. It's being with you. I'm falling in love with you more every single day, Foggy, and it terrifies me.
blessmefather: (instead of)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-22 09:11 pm (UTC)(link)
[ The ache in Matt's chest dies down at the simple touch of their foreheads and the gentle kiss to each of his eyelids. He keeps his eyes closed between each kiss and for a little afterward, warmth starting to spread in his veins. Another emotional confession and Foggy still more than accepts him.

The smile against his cheek and the amused tone of Foggy's voice brings a small smile to Matt's face as well. Good. He sounds a lot more confident now. Matt blinks, not entirely sure what to make of the idea that it's okay to be confused over his happiness. As much as he has grieved in the past he never felt the need to stop and ask someone if it was alright to be happy so soon after a loss. Probably because the things that made him smile still not long after his father's death, or Stick leaving, were all simple pleasures. Nothing comparable to this. And nothing that involved his heart so entirely.

Foggy's next point though, that what they have at this very moment is love, makes Matt's trail of thought come to an abrupt stop. It's true. When he says he's afraid it's not of this, it's of the part where he messes up and ends up alone. The sense of dread. But Foggy is here now pressing a kiss to his lips after all the years they've known each other after the firm closed and Matt believed they were done, after he told him his secrets, and there's not a hint of hesitation in Foggy's "I love you's." Matt loses himself for a moment in the kiss, trying to pour what he's feeling into it. He can't help chasing Foggy's lips when they stop for breath and he moves closer, legs bumping into Foggy's, hands and arms starting to find their way back around his neck again like before they were interrupted by the voice. His heart surges at Foggy's words, his breath hitching.
]

...You make an excellent point. It's like you persuade people for a living.

[ Matt cracks a smile and climbs back into Foggy's lap properly. ]

You've always been the exception. You've stayed with me longer than anyone... You're right, we have been in love, the entire time.

[ It feels like another physical weight just lifted from the inside of him the same way it did that first night when their feelings finally were spoken and the morning after when they agreed to be together. He leans in to hug him tighter, brushing his lips against his cheek, and turning his head to murmur in his ear. ]

I'm yours. I've always been yours. And you're mine, Foggy.

[ He can't help it if his tone turns mischevious when he says his name despite how emotional he is saying it, not when he's said the same type of thing before in bed, though it feels more real and absolute this time, less like a new declaration. A fact. He leans back enough to press their foreheads together again. His hands run up and down Foggy's shoulders and upper back. ]

...I know I shouldn't be worried, it's you. I know in my head. I just-

[ A sigh escapes him. ]

I carry a voice a lot like that one inside of me. I have for a long time. And with this war and difficulty fighting, and... losing him and Elektra a second time... It's hard not to hear.
blessmefather: (The box but)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-24 04:27 am (UTC)(link)
[ Matt's head and eyes tilt up as soon as Foggy speaks. He retains a neutral poker face right up until Foggy reminds him he can tell him what's on his mind. Matt shifts on his feet, debating whether or not he should. It's not that he plans on never telling Foggy about it but it's Foggy's birthday, not a time when he wants to drag the mood down. Then again now that he's curious Foggy might prefer to hear it. Matt purses his lips and rocks his head side to side before finally replying. ]

It's just... A memory. I don't make things that often as you know. So it was a little more personal as a gift which is why I wanted to give you one now and before. Kind of like how gardening here has meant something special to me.

I gave a bracelet to one other person -or tried to. The day I met him Stick took me to the park and we ate ice cream. I held on to the cone wrapper and made one from that. Then I tried to give it to him after my lesson one day and that was when he...

[ Matt takes a breath, his head hanging. He rubs at the back of his neck to buy so time then lifts his head again and wets his lips, forcing a grim smile. ]

He decided I was getting too emotionally attached to him and ended my training. Then he walked out the door and I didn't hear from him for years.
blessmefather: (What exactly)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-24 11:09 pm (UTC)(link)
[ Foggy's little "Fuck that guy" gets an amused snort and the corners of Matt's mouth start to tug into a smile. He's reminded of previous conversations about exes and social disappointments and Foggy's casual but empathetic little grumbles or groans. ]

Technically, I made you two but yeah. I wanted you to have something that was special to me because you are.

[ Don't look now Foggy but your boyfriend is starting to blush now that he heard how cheesy that sounded aloud. ]
blessmefather: (The box but)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-25 02:47 am (UTC)(link)
[ Matt absolutely loves the sound of Foggy saying his name like that. The same way he had wanted to say Foggy's name for ages out loud to his face instead of in his head.

When Foggy brings up how he found out and the bad decisions that followed Matt's eyes dart ever so slightly side to side, nervously wondering where this is going. But when Foggy tells him he understands now just how difficult it was to take that risk he has to lean in and kiss him again, beaming at him as their lips part.
]

Thank you... For being patient with me as I figure things out... You're the best Fog.
blessmefather: (instead of)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-11-27 02:57 am (UTC)(link)
[ The little nibble at his ear gets a soft delighted chuckle out of Matt before he's pressing their foreheads together. He's emotional but he makes a mental note to come back to how much Foggy liked hearing that in a bit.

Foggy's comparison makes sense, and Matt nods his head subtly. He should know all this by now, know Foggy is committed, knows he should talk, but then that's exactly the problem. He can't change overnight. Matt bites his lip and sighs again. Right. Still, he wants to push forward. Foggy had called him brave when he told him about the bracelet he had tried to give Stick. Matt hadn't really thought that sharing the memory was that brave, it felt more like something he was pushing out despite the discomfort in hopes it would lead to relief. He's used to keeping secrets but that didn't mean he didn't feel them eating away at him.
]

Okay.

[ Alright there's one thing that he feels down in his gut he should mention. It's not as if it's anywhere near as ugly as what that voice had just shared. Matt sits back, blinking rapidly as he purses his lips and gathers up the words in his head. ]

I've been praying. It um... It didn't feel right doing it close to the alters here. I found a quiet place near the river bank, there's a tree there. I stacked some rocks for each of them and sometimes I go visit...

[ He runs the back of his neck, fidgeting at his self-consciousness. ]

I don't know if it's really helping. I uh... I guess you could say I don't know how to grieve properly. I didn't do that well the last few times.

[ He ducks his head and laughs under his breath. ]
blessmefather: (Hoping this)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-12-03 09:37 am (UTC)(link)
[ Matt runs his fingers over the weave of the bracelet which easily transitions into holding Foggy's wrist gently and rubbing circles over the inside of his wrist with his thumb. His smile grows at several of the things Foggy says, going back and forth from his softer listening smile to his wider emotional one. ]

You really are the best.

[ He says nearly breathless, lacking better words. ]

...That... That means a lot...

I don't know if it's worth anything now but... I feel like I should tell you that...

[ He bows his head toward the floor for a second then lifts it. ]

I wanted to tell you the truth, back in college when we became best friends and fell in love. I didn't think I had a choice but I still wanted. I wish I had known what I know now.
blessmefather: (For renaming)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2018-12-04 10:15 am (UTC)(link)
[ Matt thinks of saying something about Foggy not being a grief counselor so it's understandable he struggles with it too but Aunt Ellie's words are thought-provoking and lead him down a different trail of thought. Accepting that there's nothing more you could have done. Matt squeezes his eyes closed and sighs before mumbling out ]

Easier said than done.

[ Stating the obvious. He gives a single breathless chuckle. ]

I keep replaying moments in my head, re-examining my choices, wondering if maybe I had said something different or taken better precautions, maybe they would have lived. Or maybe at least they wouldn't have had to die the way that they did.
blessmefather: (instead of)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2019-01-07 10:18 am (UTC)(link)
[ Matt tries to smile through his explanation even when his voice falters and gets caught up in his throat along the way. ]

I was worried you'd think I was a freak. Who stays best friends or roommates with the guy that knows that much just by being in the same room? People don't like their secrets discovered even if they're promised it won't get out. Not that I'm all-knowing but a lot of people would assume it was like that if they had just a little idea of how much I can sense. It's only human to respond to that type of revelation with fear or disgust.

...And you hating me was one of the worst things I could imagine.

[ It's simple, maybe unbelievably so for a decision that held so much weight and led to all that trouble and regret, but it's the truth. ]
blessmefather: (The box but)

[personal profile] blessmefather 2019-01-12 05:26 am (UTC)(link)
[ Matt bows his head in silence. Everything involving Fisk from Elena's death onward had been a whirlwind and despite the time that had passed since it still brings an icy sting to his chest. Elena, Ben, the threat that Fisk wasn't finished, even the revelation and fight he had with Foggy hurts despite where they are in the present. And that's... really not helping him feel any better about Stick and Elektra now that he's remembering. God how long has it been since he last thought about what happened to Urich?

He takes another deep breath.
]

Asking what I could do feels like the one thing I can come up with for them. Everything else I start to think gets... caught somewhere deep down. I know it's there but I put it off. Like I've put off other things, for years.

[ He smiles faintly and leans in to hug Foggy close, dropping a kiss to his shoulder. Like this for example. ]

I feel a lot but I don't know what to do with most of it the majority of the time. Another thing I miss about my senses, turns out they made a great distraction.

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