[ He huffs out a little chuckle, ducking his head at Matt's comment about him persuading people for a living. But he's got Matt settling back in his lap now, so he's guessing that wasn't overdoing it like he was a little bit worried it might've been. His hands rest on Matt's hips, then slide around until his arms are circling Matt's waist, holding onto him tightly. Despite his words, it's only then that the rest of the tension bleeds out of him.
Or at least, it does until Matt says that he's his. It always makes him catch his breath a little, gets him just a little bit more riled up in a way that he hasn't quite admitted out loud yet. He'd never really thought of himself as a possessive person - but then again, maybe it was more like he couldn't let himself think like that, because the only person he's ever wanted to be a little bit possessive over has been Matt, and he was pretty sure he was never going to have Matt the way he wanted.
But after hearing Stick - or whatever that was - toss out all of the reasons that they shouldn't belong to each other, well. His normal reaction is just a little bit dialed up, and the shiver that runs down his spine feels more like stepping into the hot spray of a shower. Or maybe it's Matt's hands, which, admittedly, is kind of likely, but still. He nips lightly at Matt's earlobe in retaliation, tugging it between his teeth for a moment before he reminds himself that he really isn't supposed to get distracted, here, and he actually does want to talk about some of this. ]
Come on, Matt. We're lawyers. We know half the time the best facts in the world don't matter half as much as what the jury's bringing into that courtroom with them, what their experiences are and how they feel about what's being told to them. This is just like that; it's gonna take more than a few months to come around to a new way of thinking, especially when you've got so much on your plate. But you and me - we'll win that voice over one of these days. Or at least make it shut up more often.
[ All right, maybe it's not just like that. But it's close, and it's arguably a better comparison than bringing up the butcher story again. ]
I'm not in this for a quick fix. I'm in it for the long haul. Whatever voices we've got, we'll face them together. [ He bumps Matt's back with a loosely curled fist, playful. ] Just remember it only works if you talk to me.
[ The little nibble at his ear gets a soft delighted chuckle out of Matt before he's pressing their foreheads together. He's emotional but he makes a mental note to come back to how much Foggy liked hearing that in a bit.
Foggy's comparison makes sense, and Matt nods his head subtly. He should know all this by now, know Foggy is committed, knows he should talk, but then that's exactly the problem. He can't change overnight. Matt bites his lip and sighs again. Right. Still, he wants to push forward. Foggy had called him brave when he told him about the bracelet he had tried to give Stick. Matt hadn't really thought that sharing the memory was that brave, it felt more like something he was pushing out despite the discomfort in hopes it would lead to relief. He's used to keeping secrets but that didn't mean he didn't feel them eating away at him. ]
Okay.
[ Alright there's one thing that he feels down in his gut he should mention. It's not as if it's anywhere near as ugly as what that voice had just shared. Matt sits back, blinking rapidly as he purses his lips and gathers up the words in his head. ]
I've been praying. It um... It didn't feel right doing it close to the alters here. I found a quiet place near the river bank, there's a tree there. I stacked some rocks for each of them and sometimes I go visit...
[ He runs the back of his neck, fidgeting at his self-consciousness. ]
I don't know if it's really helping. I uh... I guess you could say I don't know how to grieve properly. I didn't do that well the last few times.
[ He ducks his head and laughs under his breath. ]
Whatever distractions Foggy might've been tempted by kind of fade into the background at that. Foggy's always thought that Matt talking to him about the important things was special, even back in college. Even before all of this, he'd known that Matt didn't have all that many people to talk to, and getting him to open up even a little is probably one of the things Foggy's the most proud of.
It feels even more important now, and Foggy's going to give it all of his attention. His thumbs rub little circles into Matt's back, absently soothing as he listens.
And then realizes his mistake, because encouraging Matt to talk to him means he actually has to say something back. Usually that part is his strong suit, but when it comes to things like this? Foggy has no idea what he's doing. He's not going to pretend like he does, either, not with Matt. This is about honesty. ]
I don't know if there is a proper way to grieve - and if there is, I'm probably not the best person to go into it. [ Not with how he reacted to Elena and Ben's deaths, and when growing up every wake was filled with his relatives getting wasted. ] I'm pretty sure she stole this from somewhere, but Aunt Ellie used to say that mourning rites are just as much for the ones left behind as the ones gone. The things we do to honor them, it's also about remembering them and keeping them alive in us. And I guess here - it's probably about accepting that there's nothing more you could have done.
[ Matt thinks of saying something about Foggy not being a grief counselor so it's understandable he struggles with it too but Aunt Ellie's words are thought-provoking and lead him down a different trail of thought. Accepting that there's nothing more you could have done. Matt squeezes his eyes closed and sighs before mumbling out ]
Easier said than done.
[ Stating the obvious. He gives a single breathless chuckle. ]
I keep replaying moments in my head, re-examining my choices, wondering if maybe I had said something different or taken better precautions, maybe they would have lived. Or maybe at least they wouldn't have had to die the way that they did.
[ He gives a little snort, not exactly amused, but yeah. Easier said than done, and that's something that Foggy's thought himself. He can just imagine how much worse it might be for Matt, who always thinks there's something more he could have done.
Foggy's tempted to shake him, teasingly, make a joke about seeing if he can try to dislodge some of the world that Matt carries around on his shoulders. But Matt keeps talking, and the moment for trying to hide an offer to help in a joke passes - if it was ever even there, maybe he was just latching on to any opportunity to fall back on a familiar reaction. ]
I know. But it doesn't help, after Elena, I - [ Drank a lot to avoid exactly those kind of thoughts, which works for him but honestly isn't something he can recommend, and slept with Marci, which, well, ditto, and finally put everything he had into helping take down Fisk, and he still can't let it go. It's a different guilt than Matt's, but it's still one of the things that drives him.
And it's a bad example no matter what, because it just reminds him that it's one of the many things that he and Matt had argued about. ]
It doesn't help. Maybe you'd have just died with them - [ Or instead of them, except he's afraid to say that, because he's pretty sure that Matt'd consider that an actual acceptable alternative. ] - or maybe someone else would've died, or maybe something worse would've happened. We can't live on maybes.
[ Matt bows his head in silence. Everything involving Fisk from Elena's death onward had been a whirlwind and despite the time that had passed since it still brings an icy sting to his chest. Elena, Ben, the threat that Fisk wasn't finished, even the revelation and fight he had with Foggy hurts despite where they are in the present. And that's... really not helping him feel any better about Stick and Elektra now that he's remembering. God how long has it been since he last thought about what happened to Urich?
He takes another deep breath. ]
Asking what I could do feels like the one thing I can come up with for them. Everything else I start to think gets... caught somewhere deep down. I know it's there but I put it off. Like I've put off other things, for years.
[ He smiles faintly and leans in to hug Foggy close, dropping a kiss to his shoulder. Like this for example. ]
I feel a lot but I don't know what to do with most of it the majority of the time. Another thing I miss about my senses, turns out they made a great distraction.
[ He's tempted to make a comment about distractions there and how if that's what Matt needs than Foggy's more than happy to provide - but distractions are probably just one of the things that've helped Matt put stuff like this off for years, so no, as much as he wants to, he's sticking with this. ]
You can tell me about it. I know talking about things you feel can be scary, but hey, we've already been through kind of a lot of scary beyond all belief. You better believe I'm here for more; I want the good feelings and the bad.
[ For better or worse. Yeah, when Foggy'd said that he'd been imagining that the 'worse' would be crushing debt that they couldn't manage to get from under and too many disagreements about their clients, but he still means it.
And he knows Matt. He regrets bringing up Elena, because he knows that it'd just made Matt think about more things he feels like he should blame himself over, not less - more deaths that he weighs too heavily against the countless amount of lives that he's saved. ]
They were fighters, all of them. Maybe not the same way you are, but you're not the only one who gets your teeth into a cause and won't let go. [ It's something that a lot of the people in their lives have in common, actually - including Foggy himself, but in his case it's being around Matt that inspires it. He knows he's a better person when he's with Matt. ] It's not fair that they're not around to see the outcome of that fight or get to enjoy the after, but it's reality. The best thing you could've done for them is what you've already done.
[ He presses a kiss to the side of Matt's temple, carding his fingers through his hair. ]
We took down Fisk. You took out the Hand. And I know you, Matt, I know that's never going to be enough and there'll always be another fight, but I'm gonna be right there with you every step of the way. Besides, you can't tell me that old jackass could've hoped for any better ending than going out fighting his great war and one of his students going on to end it.
[ Matt agrees, faintly amused and sighing against Foggy's neck. ]
Don't think he would have approved of me crying for him, and he doesn't deserve it, not after the way he treated me. Doesn't make sense... I know I shouldn't care this much, I've lost better people, but it hurts anyway... All of it hurts.
[ There's a rough weiriness to his tone when he admits that thought and for a second he leans his weight into Foggy, lets the shoulder his head is resting on really keep it up. Then he's back to a more jovial tone, smiling against Foggy's skin. ]
There's a lot for me to unpack. I just hope you'll still think of me the same way by the time half of it is out. I don't want you to feel like you can't turn to me with your problems just because I have all this baggage or... I don't want to disappoint you any more than I already have by messing up and keeping secrets. Might be...
[ He hesitates, then laughs breathlessly. ]
It might be hard to think of me the same way after you've seen me cry one too many times, you know?
It doesn't matter what kind of person he was; he was important to you. It's okay that it hurts.
[ Foggy's eyes slip shut for a moment, his breathing slowing down and steadying as Matt just leans into him, letting Foggy hold him up. And then it's over, but it hadn't taken more than that second for Foggy to realize just how much he wanted exactly that. For Matt not to feel like he has to keep holding himself up all alone when he's hurting, that Foggy can take some of the weight.
His heart breaks a little when Matt admits that he's worried Foggy won't think of him the same way, and goddamn he's really trying to be nice here but fuck Stick, seriously. Admittedly, it's probably not just Stick that instilled this sense of 'crying and showing vulnerability is weakness' in Matt, but he's the easiest source for Foggy to blame at the moment.
He hugs Matt just a little bit tighter. ]
You're gonna get the same earful of my problems until you wish I'd just shut up for a minute that you've always gotten, no matter how many times I see you cry. It doesn't make you weak, or mean you're any less than what you are.
[ It's meant a lot to Foggy that he's one of the few people who does get to see Matt cry, but that's - yeah, he needs to find a better way to say that then I like seeing you cry because way to sound creepy. ]
You've always been the strongest person I know, Matt, that's never going to change. You're so good at protecting me, I just - I want to take care of you, too. [ There's a brief pause, then Foggy amends that to: ] I want you to let me take care of you.
[ Matt goes still for the moment it takes to process that. Those were words he had never heard before, never expected, never wished for. His breath hitches on an inhale and he hugs Foggy back tighter. ]
If it was anyone else saying that I don't know if I'd believe them. Don't think I could bear to put that on another person.
[ A soft huff like a laugh, followed by a small sniffle and warm tears on Foggy's shoulder. ]
I felt like a burden, even on the backs of people who were supposed to take care of me. The only right thing to do, the brave thing to do was to learn to take care of myself, right? Of all people I should know there are others in pain who need someone even more than I do, I could hear them every day.
[ The nights after his father died, the nightmares he would have, when the nuns no longer came to his room when he cried at night he learned quickly and stopped crying for help. There were other children, it was fine, he would do the noble thing and find another way on his own, Murdocks always get back up, he was stronger than that.
Matt laughs because it's the only thing he can do instead of losing his breath and bursting into tears. ]
...Haven't let myself think about it enough to admit what I wanted. Maybe this is what Stick really meant when he said I was looking for a father. It's always felt more than just weak to want, it's felt selfish.
[ He could be bleeding, Claire Temple, bless her soul, stitching up his side and checking to make sure his bones were in place, and he smiled and insisted he was fine. Not just because he was about to get back up and go back out into the night to fight another battle, not just because he wanted to prove he could do it like he said against whatever odds and warnings she gave him. He had grown fond of her, been able to share a piece of himself he hadn't shown anyone since Elektra, but God forbid he let her see too much. God forbid he think of asking her to take care of him, even as she bandaged his wounds. Sometimes even that made him feel guilty.
Foggy Nelson, how dare you. This was exactly the kind of reason why he had told himself he could never have him. Foggy had always given so much, lifted him up without even being asked to, without asking for anything in return. Matt forces his heavy head up and pulls back, letting Foggy see his face finally, wiping the tears from his eyes. His voice is rough and cracks when he talks. ]
...I've never loved anyone else the way that I love you, Foggy.
[ The words Foggy had said the morning they woke up together had touched something deep down in his core, and for a while now he'd known he was ready to say them back. He nods at him, alright, realizing how he's trembling, heart pounding. ]
Only because it's you Foggy. You're my home, you're it for me.
I don't think it counts as something you're putting on me if I keep trying to take it.
[ It's light, trying to keep in tune with the little laugh Matt huffs out, even if he means it. But he's quiet after that, just listening, and holding on to Matt as tight as Matt'll let him.
The more Matt talks, the more Foggy just wants to pick him up and never, ever let him go - the more he wishes that he could have been there when Matt was a kid, that Matt could have known at least one person who could've drilled it through his head that it wasn't a burden to be taken care of sometime before he went to college. Someone who could've made him feel like he was something precious, the way Foggy wants to make him feel.
He's distracted for a moment when Matt pulls back, but then goes still when Matt's words register, and he realizes what he's saying. And it's - Foggy's thought about it since the morning that he argued that they deserved to be together and have a chance at happiness, of course he has. Every so often the doubts he's keeping away by a combination of focusing on Matt and the amount of practice he has in nope not now resurface, and he indulges them for a moment or two before shoving them right back down where they belong.
Right now, there's nothing he wants more than to believe that Matt means that as much as Foggy had when he said it. That even if they were back in their world, even if Matt'd had enough distance from what happened that grief wasn't constantly at the edge of his mind, even if Matt had his senses and was more confident of his place in things, even if Elektra was an option - Matt'd still be with him.
And he - he believes that Matt believes it. But they're not back in their world, and Matt doesn't have enough distance from his grief or his senses back, and Foggy's currently doing a pretty good job at not only keeping that buried among his swirling uncertainties, but deluding himself in thinking that it'll be okay if all of that changes things.
He cups Matt's face in his hands, runs his thumbs over his cheekbones to catch any lingering tear tracks. ]
You know how much I love hearing you say something's only because it's me? [ A lot, it's a lot, and Foggy's heart is racing in a way that, well, that it usually is when they're in bed and Matt's done something that he likes, but that's beside the point. ]
A lot of stuff's happened, and like you said, you've got a lot to unpack. You don't have to say it back. I'm not going anywhere, no matter what.
[ And it's his turn to give a little huff of a laugh. ]
Besides, I'm not in love with any of those other people out there in pain, so, you know, this isn't a one-sized fits all offer. You're not taking anything from them by letting me take care of you. All these things you think make you selfish - you're not, sweetheart, it's not selfish to want that. Or to let me do what I already want to.
[ A clever remark but it rings with truth. Not unlike the way Foggy insisted that Matt should give them a chance to be together because that was exactly what he wanted all along. How could Matt say no to what Foggy kept saying without falter, that the way to give Foggy the happiness he wanted for him was to let him love him? A little voice deep down inside Matt reasoned that with time Foggy might change his mind, experience it and realize he was mistaken, but the more time that passed since they got together the more Matt hoped that little whisper was wrong because he was far past the point where he could give Foggy up. Stick could rise from his grave to warn him of a new danger and how he needed to leave everyone he loved all over again and even if he attempted to Matt knows Foggy would see right through him and he'd have to admit that it wasn't what he wanted.
For that matter, they had just experienced the next closest thing.
The instant Foggy's hands touch his face Matt breathes, he'd been holding a breath without realizing it after saying those heavy words. He smiles softly, a warmth growing in his chest at how happy Foggy sounds, at least at first. There's something there, Foggy tells him he doesn't have to say it back and despite the little laugh that follows Matt wonders. Maybe this is more of Foggy trying to believe Stick's words about their relationship don't carry some truth. He pushes himself to listen as Foggy speaks again but there's a twinge of worry fighting with his happiness.
This hesitation is because it's you he's with.
Matt's brow wrinkles in concern but Foggy earns a real chuckle and smile from him. ]
Really, you're not hoping to take care of the neighbors too?
[ He just barely resists making more wise-guy remarks about doing their laundry and taxes. But in all seriousness, he knows that's not what Foggy means by taking care of him.
Matt tilts his head into one of Foggy's hands, flashing a little grin at him. He'll buy himself another minute to come up with words to respond to Foggy saying he shouldn't force himself to say it back. It wasn't forced though, Foggy. ]
...You called me sweetheart. I was wondering when I'd earn a petname. You weren't shy about those with half your exes.
[ It's cheeky, bright and a little too pleased with himself, but it's a testament to how far he and Matt have come that there's no hesitation there. It's the same surety that he would've had before the big reveal, that clearly Matt needs him in his life to show him amazing new ways of thinking like how to let someone take care of you.
It almost makes up for his hesitation in the other aspect of their relationship. Or at least, Foggy tells himself that it does, even though even he can't convince himself that Matt hasn't noticed it. He knows Matt's expressions probably about as well as Matt knows the way he smells, or whatever - and that as much as anything else had been a huge part in understanding and reconciling what Matt knew about him from them - and as cute as that little brow wrinkle is, he knows it means Matt's concerned.
And he could try to clarify what he means, it's just - he doesn't really know how to, and it's a lot easier to keep going with the selfish thing.
Especially when he gets a real chuckle from that, and oh, Foggy is such a goner for that little grin. ]
Not the same way I want to take care of you. [ He pauses, just long enough to let his slightly sly tone speak for itself - before he goes right ahead and speaks for it anyway. ] That was a sex joke, just in case you didn't get that.
[ And then Matt goes and brings up the sweetheart thing he hadn't even realized he'd done until it's pointed out for him. Foggy flushes briefly, ready to tell him that he won't do it again if it's something that Matt's not into, except - nope, this is a very different conversation. Oh. ]
But you were. I wasn't sure if you'd like it. And I know, I could've practiced this whole healthy communication thing we have going and asked, but - it's you. I had to spend a long time training myself to say buddy and man when I really wanted to say honey and sweetheart.
[ Sure did just admit that most of the time he was using bro nicknames he meant it the way he would've used a pet name, but, well, what's out is out. ]
[ Foggy making cheeky remarks and Matt laughing; this feels right, and Matt thinks faintly that he doesn't ever want to give up their refound comfort with each other. Matt catches on from Foggy's sly tone what he means by "taking care" but nods with an "ah" anyway at the explanation, laughing some more. They are definitely coming back around to that subject, and he'd be more than happy to show Foggy that he really meant it when he was assuring him he was special.
Foggy gets a snort of a laugh during the second it takes him to realize he really did say sweetheart. The idea he'd been talking that way all along with subsitute affections, Matt's face goes a little rosy as he smiles at that, worried signs subsiding for the moment. Matt's fingertips trace absently on the back of Foggy's neck as he sits straighter and attempts to look serious as he replies ]
Yeah? I love you too, dude.
[ He only holds the serious expression for that long before cracking up. ]
I guess I didn't date many petname types now that you mention it. Or it didn't get serious enough that it felt right for me to say, even if they threw names around casually. I don't know, I guess I thought I'd be bad at it... and I never reached the point where I thought I could try.
[ And he turns a deeper shade of pink as he realizes how deeply he's thinking- overthinking? this. ]
The only people who called me nicknames were supposed to be like family. My dad, the nuns and some of the kids at the orphanage...
[ Stick. But he'll avoid bringing him up unless necessary for the rest of the night. ]
I don't mind if you slip in some more of that along with buddy and man. Or if you want to call me Matty like they did? It feels right. You're my family, my home... And I don't have to force myself to say that or that I love you like no other. I'm just saying what I'm feeling, Fo- Foggy My Love.
[ Please believe. His smile goes crooked as he stammers out the end. ]
Don't you make fun of me. It worked, didn't it? Better than stumbling over myself.
[ Like he did the first time they met, but that's beside the point. The point is that he'd gotten Matt to blush a little, and now they can tease each other about it, and, well. He doesn't have to hold it back any more, apparently.
He's grinning widely at Matt's laughter, and it doesn't fade when Matt starts to think out loud about the petname thing, though it does soften a little. Maybe Matt is overthinking it, but damn Foggy loves that about him.
Stick. Foggy's mind goes there, too, but he also knows that some of his own relatives have called him Matty - thanks Uncle Timmy - so he lets the thought pass without mentioning it, too. There's been enough Stick around tonight.
And he should try to stay realistic here, he really should - but Matt calls him my love and Foggy just melts. He can't ever be the person who tells Matt that it isn't enough or that he doesn't believe him when he's pouring out his feelings. Whatever the future might hold, whatever choices Matt might make, they don't matter right now.
All that matters is Matt saying that he feels the same way Foggy does, and if Foggy can't believe him about that, he might as well put the brakes on right now.
But he can, and he does, and he leans in to press a kiss to Matt's crooked smile. ]
Then I guess we're home no matter where we are. [ There's a pause, and then he makes a face at himself. ] All right, that was cheesy even for me.
[ He kisses Matt again, lingers a little longer this time, so Matt can feel his smile against his skin. ]
[ Matt's eyes shift back and forth and he opens his mouth as if he's about to shrug and ask, What?! Who me? Half teasing him for getting defensive.
When Foggy says they're home no matter where Matt instantly feels warmth in his chest, his own heart practically skipping a beat, he's that happy to hear Foggy agree that they belong together. Then Foggy pauses and Matt just knows he's making a funny face and he confirms it by stroking the side of his face, bursting into laughter again as Foggy comments on it.
Matt hums as they kiss and the curl of their smiles brush each other's skin. It feels like this joy alone is enough to prove Stick's words were wrong. He wouldn't be smiling like this and feeling this happy so soon after hearing Stick's voice if what he has with Foggy wasn't a force of nature. He absolutely lights up and beams at Foggy when he calls him "Matty" for the first time. It feels so right, and Foggy sounds confident finally just like Matt hoped. ]
We belong together. Like I keep saying...
[ And there's no way he can resist smirking and lowering his tone to something more heated after the reaction he had gotten a little while ago. ]
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Or at least, it does until Matt says that he's his. It always makes him catch his breath a little, gets him just a little bit more riled up in a way that he hasn't quite admitted out loud yet. He'd never really thought of himself as a possessive person - but then again, maybe it was more like he couldn't let himself think like that, because the only person he's ever wanted to be a little bit possessive over has been Matt, and he was pretty sure he was never going to have Matt the way he wanted.
But after hearing Stick - or whatever that was - toss out all of the reasons that they shouldn't belong to each other, well. His normal reaction is just a little bit dialed up, and the shiver that runs down his spine feels more like stepping into the hot spray of a shower. Or maybe it's Matt's hands, which, admittedly, is kind of likely, but still. He nips lightly at Matt's earlobe in retaliation, tugging it between his teeth for a moment before he reminds himself that he really isn't supposed to get distracted, here, and he actually does want to talk about some of this. ]
Come on, Matt. We're lawyers. We know half the time the best facts in the world don't matter half as much as what the jury's bringing into that courtroom with them, what their experiences are and how they feel about what's being told to them. This is just like that; it's gonna take more than a few months to come around to a new way of thinking, especially when you've got so much on your plate. But you and me - we'll win that voice over one of these days. Or at least make it shut up more often.
[ All right, maybe it's not just like that. But it's close, and it's arguably a better comparison than bringing up the butcher story again. ]
I'm not in this for a quick fix. I'm in it for the long haul. Whatever voices we've got, we'll face them together. [ He bumps Matt's back with a loosely curled fist, playful. ] Just remember it only works if you talk to me.
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Foggy's comparison makes sense, and Matt nods his head subtly. He should know all this by now, know Foggy is committed, knows he should talk, but then that's exactly the problem. He can't change overnight. Matt bites his lip and sighs again. Right. Still, he wants to push forward. Foggy had called him brave when he told him about the bracelet he had tried to give Stick. Matt hadn't really thought that sharing the memory was that brave, it felt more like something he was pushing out despite the discomfort in hopes it would lead to relief. He's used to keeping secrets but that didn't mean he didn't feel them eating away at him. ]
Okay.
[ Alright there's one thing that he feels down in his gut he should mention. It's not as if it's anywhere near as ugly as what that voice had just shared. Matt sits back, blinking rapidly as he purses his lips and gathers up the words in his head. ]
I've been praying. It um... It didn't feel right doing it close to the alters here. I found a quiet place near the river bank, there's a tree there. I stacked some rocks for each of them and sometimes I go visit...
[ He runs the back of his neck, fidgeting at his self-consciousness. ]
I don't know if it's really helping. I uh... I guess you could say I don't know how to grieve properly. I didn't do that well the last few times.
[ He ducks his head and laughs under his breath. ]
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Whatever distractions Foggy might've been tempted by kind of fade into the background at that. Foggy's always thought that Matt talking to him about the important things was special, even back in college. Even before all of this, he'd known that Matt didn't have all that many people to talk to, and getting him to open up even a little is probably one of the things Foggy's the most proud of.
It feels even more important now, and Foggy's going to give it all of his attention. His thumbs rub little circles into Matt's back, absently soothing as he listens.
And then realizes his mistake, because encouraging Matt to talk to him means he actually has to say something back. Usually that part is his strong suit, but when it comes to things like this? Foggy has no idea what he's doing. He's not going to pretend like he does, either, not with Matt. This is about honesty. ]
I don't know if there is a proper way to grieve - and if there is, I'm probably not the best person to go into it. [ Not with how he reacted to Elena and Ben's deaths, and when growing up every wake was filled with his relatives getting wasted. ] I'm pretty sure she stole this from somewhere, but Aunt Ellie used to say that mourning rites are just as much for the ones left behind as the ones gone. The things we do to honor them, it's also about remembering them and keeping them alive in us. And I guess here - it's probably about accepting that there's nothing more you could have done.
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Easier said than done.
[ Stating the obvious. He gives a single breathless chuckle. ]
I keep replaying moments in my head, re-examining my choices, wondering if maybe I had said something different or taken better precautions, maybe they would have lived. Or maybe at least they wouldn't have had to die the way that they did.
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Foggy's tempted to shake him, teasingly, make a joke about seeing if he can try to dislodge some of the world that Matt carries around on his shoulders. But Matt keeps talking, and the moment for trying to hide an offer to help in a joke passes - if it was ever even there, maybe he was just latching on to any opportunity to fall back on a familiar reaction. ]
I know. But it doesn't help, after Elena, I - [ Drank a lot to avoid exactly those kind of thoughts, which works for him but honestly isn't something he can recommend, and slept with Marci, which, well, ditto, and finally put everything he had into helping take down Fisk, and he still can't let it go. It's a different guilt than Matt's, but it's still one of the things that drives him.
And it's a bad example no matter what, because it just reminds him that it's one of the many things that he and Matt had argued about. ]
It doesn't help. Maybe you'd have just died with them - [ Or instead of them, except he's afraid to say that, because he's pretty sure that Matt'd consider that an actual acceptable alternative. ] - or maybe someone else would've died, or maybe something worse would've happened. We can't live on maybes.
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He takes another deep breath. ]
Asking what I could do feels like the one thing I can come up with for them. Everything else I start to think gets... caught somewhere deep down. I know it's there but I put it off. Like I've put off other things, for years.
[ He smiles faintly and leans in to hug Foggy close, dropping a kiss to his shoulder. Like this for example. ]
I feel a lot but I don't know what to do with most of it the majority of the time. Another thing I miss about my senses, turns out they made a great distraction.
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You can tell me about it. I know talking about things you feel can be scary, but hey, we've already been through kind of a lot of scary beyond all belief. You better believe I'm here for more; I want the good feelings and the bad.
[ For better or worse. Yeah, when Foggy'd said that he'd been imagining that the 'worse' would be crushing debt that they couldn't manage to get from under and too many disagreements about their clients, but he still means it.
And he knows Matt. He regrets bringing up Elena, because he knows that it'd just made Matt think about more things he feels like he should blame himself over, not less - more deaths that he weighs too heavily against the countless amount of lives that he's saved. ]
They were fighters, all of them. Maybe not the same way you are, but you're not the only one who gets your teeth into a cause and won't let go. [ It's something that a lot of the people in their lives have in common, actually - including Foggy himself, but in his case it's being around Matt that inspires it. He knows he's a better person when he's with Matt. ] It's not fair that they're not around to see the outcome of that fight or get to enjoy the after, but it's reality. The best thing you could've done for them is what you've already done.
[ He presses a kiss to the side of Matt's temple, carding his fingers through his hair. ]
We took down Fisk. You took out the Hand. And I know you, Matt, I know that's never going to be enough and there'll always be another fight, but I'm gonna be right there with you every step of the way. Besides, you can't tell me that old jackass could've hoped for any better ending than going out fighting his great war and one of his students going on to end it.
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[ Matt agrees, faintly amused and sighing against Foggy's neck. ]
Don't think he would have approved of me crying for him, and he doesn't deserve it, not after the way he treated me. Doesn't make sense... I know I shouldn't care this much, I've lost better people, but it hurts anyway... All of it hurts.
[ There's a rough weiriness to his tone when he admits that thought and for a second he leans his weight into Foggy, lets the shoulder his head is resting on really keep it up. Then he's back to a more jovial tone, smiling against Foggy's skin. ]
There's a lot for me to unpack. I just hope you'll still think of me the same way by the time half of it is out. I don't want you to feel like you can't turn to me with your problems just because I have all this baggage or... I don't want to disappoint you any more than I already have by messing up and keeping secrets. Might be...
[ He hesitates, then laughs breathlessly. ]
It might be hard to think of me the same way after you've seen me cry one too many times, you know?
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[ Foggy's eyes slip shut for a moment, his breathing slowing down and steadying as Matt just leans into him, letting Foggy hold him up. And then it's over, but it hadn't taken more than that second for Foggy to realize just how much he wanted exactly that. For Matt not to feel like he has to keep holding himself up all alone when he's hurting, that Foggy can take some of the weight.
His heart breaks a little when Matt admits that he's worried Foggy won't think of him the same way, and goddamn he's really trying to be nice here but fuck Stick, seriously. Admittedly, it's probably not just Stick that instilled this sense of 'crying and showing vulnerability is weakness' in Matt, but he's the easiest source for Foggy to blame at the moment.
He hugs Matt just a little bit tighter. ]
You're gonna get the same earful of my problems until you wish I'd just shut up for a minute that you've always gotten, no matter how many times I see you cry. It doesn't make you weak, or mean you're any less than what you are.
[ It's meant a lot to Foggy that he's one of the few people who does get to see Matt cry, but that's - yeah, he needs to find a better way to say that then I like seeing you cry because way to sound creepy. ]
You've always been the strongest person I know, Matt, that's never going to change. You're so good at protecting me, I just - I want to take care of you, too. [ There's a brief pause, then Foggy amends that to: ] I want you to let me take care of you.
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If it was anyone else saying that I don't know if I'd believe them. Don't think I could bear to put that on another person.
[ A soft huff like a laugh, followed by a small sniffle and warm tears on Foggy's shoulder. ]
I felt like a burden, even on the backs of people who were supposed to take care of me. The only right thing to do, the brave thing to do was to learn to take care of myself, right? Of all people I should know there are others in pain who need someone even more than I do, I could hear them every day.
[ The nights after his father died, the nightmares he would have, when the nuns no longer came to his room when he cried at night he learned quickly and stopped crying for help. There were other children, it was fine, he would do the noble thing and find another way on his own, Murdocks always get back up, he was stronger than that.
Matt laughs because it's the only thing he can do instead of losing his breath and bursting into tears. ]
...Haven't let myself think about it enough to admit what I wanted. Maybe this is what Stick really meant when he said I was looking for a father. It's always felt more than just weak to want, it's felt selfish.
[ He could be bleeding, Claire Temple, bless her soul, stitching up his side and checking to make sure his bones were in place, and he smiled and insisted he was fine. Not just because he was about to get back up and go back out into the night to fight another battle, not just because he wanted to prove he could do it like he said against whatever odds and warnings she gave him. He had grown fond of her, been able to share a piece of himself he hadn't shown anyone since Elektra, but God forbid he let her see too much. God forbid he think of asking her to take care of him, even as she bandaged his wounds. Sometimes even that made him feel guilty.
Foggy Nelson, how dare you. This was exactly the kind of reason why he had told himself he could never have him. Foggy had always given so much, lifted him up without even being asked to, without asking for anything in return. Matt forces his heavy head up and pulls back, letting Foggy see his face finally, wiping the tears from his eyes. His voice is rough and cracks when he talks. ]
...I've never loved anyone else the way that I love you, Foggy.
[ The words Foggy had said the morning they woke up together had touched something deep down in his core, and for a while now he'd known he was ready to say them back. He nods at him, alright, realizing how he's trembling, heart pounding. ]
Only because it's you Foggy. You're my home, you're it for me.
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[ It's light, trying to keep in tune with the little laugh Matt huffs out, even if he means it. But he's quiet after that, just listening, and holding on to Matt as tight as Matt'll let him.
The more Matt talks, the more Foggy just wants to pick him up and never, ever let him go - the more he wishes that he could have been there when Matt was a kid, that Matt could have known at least one person who could've drilled it through his head that it wasn't a burden to be taken care of sometime before he went to college. Someone who could've made him feel like he was something precious, the way Foggy wants to make him feel.
He's distracted for a moment when Matt pulls back, but then goes still when Matt's words register, and he realizes what he's saying. And it's - Foggy's thought about it since the morning that he argued that they deserved to be together and have a chance at happiness, of course he has. Every so often the doubts he's keeping away by a combination of focusing on Matt and the amount of practice he has in nope not now resurface, and he indulges them for a moment or two before shoving them right back down where they belong.
Right now, there's nothing he wants more than to believe that Matt means that as much as Foggy had when he said it. That even if they were back in their world, even if Matt'd had enough distance from what happened that grief wasn't constantly at the edge of his mind, even if Matt had his senses and was more confident of his place in things, even if Elektra was an option - Matt'd still be with him.
And he - he believes that Matt believes it. But they're not back in their world, and Matt doesn't have enough distance from his grief or his senses back, and Foggy's currently doing a pretty good job at not only keeping that buried among his swirling uncertainties, but deluding himself in thinking that it'll be okay if all of that changes things.
He cups Matt's face in his hands, runs his thumbs over his cheekbones to catch any lingering tear tracks. ]
You know how much I love hearing you say something's only because it's me? [ A lot, it's a lot, and Foggy's heart is racing in a way that, well, that it usually is when they're in bed and Matt's done something that he likes, but that's beside the point. ]
A lot of stuff's happened, and like you said, you've got a lot to unpack. You don't have to say it back. I'm not going anywhere, no matter what.
[ And it's his turn to give a little huff of a laugh. ]
Besides, I'm not in love with any of those other people out there in pain, so, you know, this isn't a one-sized fits all offer. You're not taking anything from them by letting me take care of you. All these things you think make you selfish - you're not, sweetheart, it's not selfish to want that. Or to let me do what I already want to.
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[ A clever remark but it rings with truth. Not unlike the way Foggy insisted that Matt should give them a chance to be together because that was exactly what he wanted all along. How could Matt say no to what Foggy kept saying without falter, that the way to give Foggy the happiness he wanted for him was to let him love him? A little voice deep down inside Matt reasoned that with time Foggy might change his mind, experience it and realize he was mistaken, but the more time that passed since they got together the more Matt hoped that little whisper was wrong because he was far past the point where he could give Foggy up. Stick could rise from his grave to warn him of a new danger and how he needed to leave everyone he loved all over again and even if he attempted to Matt knows Foggy would see right through him and he'd have to admit that it wasn't what he wanted.
For that matter, they had just experienced the next closest thing.
The instant Foggy's hands touch his face Matt breathes, he'd been holding a breath without realizing it after saying those heavy words. He smiles softly, a warmth growing in his chest at how happy Foggy sounds, at least at first. There's something there, Foggy tells him he doesn't have to say it back and despite the little laugh that follows Matt wonders. Maybe this is more of Foggy trying to believe Stick's words about their relationship don't carry some truth. He pushes himself to listen as Foggy speaks again but there's a twinge of worry fighting with his happiness.
This hesitation is because it's you he's with.
Matt's brow wrinkles in concern but Foggy earns a real chuckle and smile from him. ]
Really, you're not hoping to take care of the neighbors too?
[ He just barely resists making more wise-guy remarks about doing their laundry and taxes. But in all seriousness, he knows that's not what Foggy means by taking care of him.
Matt tilts his head into one of Foggy's hands, flashing a little grin at him. He'll buy himself another minute to come up with words to respond to Foggy saying he shouldn't force himself to say it back. It wasn't forced though, Foggy. ]
...You called me sweetheart. I was wondering when I'd earn a petname. You weren't shy about those with half your exes.
[ Foggy Bear. ]
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[ It's cheeky, bright and a little too pleased with himself, but it's a testament to how far he and Matt have come that there's no hesitation there. It's the same surety that he would've had before the big reveal, that clearly Matt needs him in his life to show him amazing new ways of thinking like how to let someone take care of you.
It almost makes up for his hesitation in the other aspect of their relationship. Or at least, Foggy tells himself that it does, even though even he can't convince himself that Matt hasn't noticed it. He knows Matt's expressions probably about as well as Matt knows the way he smells, or whatever - and that as much as anything else had been a huge part in understanding and reconciling what Matt knew about him from them - and as cute as that little brow wrinkle is, he knows it means Matt's concerned.
And he could try to clarify what he means, it's just - he doesn't really know how to, and it's a lot easier to keep going with the selfish thing.
Especially when he gets a real chuckle from that, and oh, Foggy is such a goner for that little grin. ]
Not the same way I want to take care of you. [ He pauses, just long enough to let his slightly sly tone speak for itself - before he goes right ahead and speaks for it anyway. ] That was a sex joke, just in case you didn't get that.
[ And then Matt goes and brings up the sweetheart thing he hadn't even realized he'd done until it's pointed out for him. Foggy flushes briefly, ready to tell him that he won't do it again if it's something that Matt's not into, except - nope, this is a very different conversation. Oh. ]
But you were. I wasn't sure if you'd like it. And I know, I could've practiced this whole healthy communication thing we have going and asked, but - it's you. I had to spend a long time training myself to say buddy and man when I really wanted to say honey and sweetheart.
[ Sure did just admit that most of the time he was using bro nicknames he meant it the way he would've used a pet name, but, well, what's out is out. ]
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Foggy gets a snort of a laugh during the second it takes him to realize he really did say sweetheart. The idea he'd been talking that way all along with subsitute affections, Matt's face goes a little rosy as he smiles at that, worried signs subsiding for the moment. Matt's fingertips trace absently on the back of Foggy's neck as he sits straighter and attempts to look serious as he replies ]
Yeah? I love you too, dude.
[ He only holds the serious expression for that long before cracking up. ]
I guess I didn't date many petname types now that you mention it. Or it didn't get serious enough that it felt right for me to say, even if they threw names around casually. I don't know, I guess I thought I'd be bad at it... and I never reached the point where I thought I could try.
[ And he turns a deeper shade of pink as he realizes how deeply he's thinking- overthinking? this. ]
The only people who called me nicknames were supposed to be like family. My dad, the nuns and some of the kids at the orphanage...
[ Stick. But he'll avoid bringing him up unless necessary for the rest of the night. ]
I don't mind if you slip in some more of that along with buddy and man. Or if you want to call me Matty like they did? It feels right. You're my family, my home... And I don't have to force myself to say that or that I love you like no other. I'm just saying what I'm feeling, Fo- Foggy My Love.
[ Please believe. His smile goes crooked as he stammers out the end. ]
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[ Like he did the first time they met, but that's beside the point. The point is that he'd gotten Matt to blush a little, and now they can tease each other about it, and, well. He doesn't have to hold it back any more, apparently.
He's grinning widely at Matt's laughter, and it doesn't fade when Matt starts to think out loud about the petname thing, though it does soften a little. Maybe Matt is overthinking it, but damn Foggy loves that about him.
Stick. Foggy's mind goes there, too, but he also knows that some of his own relatives have called him Matty - thanks Uncle Timmy - so he lets the thought pass without mentioning it, too. There's been enough Stick around tonight.
And he should try to stay realistic here, he really should - but Matt calls him my love and Foggy just melts. He can't ever be the person who tells Matt that it isn't enough or that he doesn't believe him when he's pouring out his feelings. Whatever the future might hold, whatever choices Matt might make, they don't matter right now.
All that matters is Matt saying that he feels the same way Foggy does, and if Foggy can't believe him about that, he might as well put the brakes on right now.
But he can, and he does, and he leans in to press a kiss to Matt's crooked smile. ]
Then I guess we're home no matter where we are. [ There's a pause, and then he makes a face at himself. ] All right, that was cheesy even for me.
[ He kisses Matt again, lingers a little longer this time, so Matt can feel his smile against his skin. ]
Thank you for telling me how you feel, Matty.
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When Foggy says they're home no matter where Matt instantly feels warmth in his chest, his own heart practically skipping a beat, he's that happy to hear Foggy agree that they belong together. Then Foggy pauses and Matt just knows he's making a funny face and he confirms it by stroking the side of his face, bursting into laughter again as Foggy comments on it.
Matt hums as they kiss and the curl of their smiles brush each other's skin. It feels like this joy alone is enough to prove Stick's words were wrong. He wouldn't be smiling like this and feeling this happy so soon after hearing Stick's voice if what he has with Foggy wasn't a force of nature. He absolutely lights up and beams at Foggy when he calls him "Matty" for the first time. It feels so right, and Foggy sounds confident finally just like Matt hoped. ]
We belong together. Like I keep saying...
[ And there's no way he can resist smirking and lowering his tone to something more heated after the reaction he had gotten a little while ago. ]
I belong to you Foggy.