[ They were speaking more hushed than normal this time and hadn't forgotten to watch their volume yet. When he pauses to listen, the entire Mercury house seems silent minus a few muffled thumps from people moving in other rooms and on other floors. Matt turns his head to Foggy and smiles, giving a little shrug. ]
Must be my imagination. I thought I heard people talking from far away earlier today, the way I normally would, but nothing has changed.
[ He shakes his head again, this time at his mistake, and he leans in to press a kiss to Foggy's lips. Maybe his frustrations are getting the best of him. Better to hold tight to Foggy and put his troubles aside for the night.
He's smiling at him and running his fingers over Foggy's forehead to brush back his hair when something drops in his stomach, his intuition telling him something isn't right a split second before he hears a familiar old voice rasping right in his ear as if the man were leaning in to bark at him the way he had so many times long ago.
"Matty, what the hell are you doing?"
Matt snaps to attention, spine straight, eyes wide. ]
Why-?
[ Matt's voice is choked when he speaks, barely getting out the word. His fingers tremble against the back of Foggy's neck. There's no way Stick could possibly...
The bodyless voice huffs in indignation. "You've made stupid decisions over the years but THIS is a new level of idiocy. You agreed to fight in this war- you made the decision to join- but you still haven't committed yourself. Still hesitating on the battlefield, still refusing to kill your enemies when you know it endangers others. Worse, you can barely fight properly even after all these months of training!
You know all this but instead of doing something about it you get in bed every night with Scruffy here and let him fill your head with softhearted shit while he fucks you like some kind of hoar. Is this what you got from all that time I taught you? You think being a soldier means playing house and sucking another man's dick? It's not genius!"
[ He runs a hand down Matt's spine, absent and soothing, while he listens. And really, Foggy's ready to believe that's it. He knows that Matt's struggling with not having his senses - and he knows that means Matt's probably struggling even more than he's admitting, because Matt always tries to downplay things like that. It'd make sense if this has been one of the things that's weighing on him.
Which, well. Means that Foggy's basically doing a complete reversal from what he was just thinking about being patient and is absolutely getting ready to push. Or nudge, maybe, just a tiny bit. But then there's that, and Foggy's head snaps towards the door just as Matt snaps to attention.
Holy shit, of all the people to get resurrected - but the room's empty. It's empty, but Foggy's really starting to wish that it wasn't, because the more the phantom voice talks the more Foggy wants to punch it in the face harder than he's ever punched anything before.
The fact that Matt doesn't seem surprised by what Stick's saying, only that the voice is there at all - yeah, that tells Foggy all he needs to know. And he's too furious to shut up or step back and think more about this, because shit all of that is - well, it's personally insulting, frankly, and there's more than one thing in there that gets his blood boiling on his own behalf. But mostly absolutely none of that is anything that Matt needed to hear. Ever, but especially not from someone who he'd trusted and respected, and who he still blames himself for losing. ]
There's no one there. He's not here, Matt, he's - are you kidding me, this is where we're at now? Because the Owls of Death and the rain that wouldn't end and Murder Bambi wasn't enough, now we've got the Ghost of Asshole Past? Get out, you crusty old jackass, maybe if you'd gotten laid a little more you wouldn't have been such a sorry excuse for a human being. And you lost your chance to talk about all that time I taught you when you up and left two seconds into training him because one thing didn't go how you wanted it. How's that for cowardice and idiocy, huh?
[ He doesn't know if this is a trick by another Titan, some kind of magic, or if it really is Stick's ghost here to haunt them, but he's just going to assume it's the last one because it'd be just their luck. ]
[ Foggy speaks up and Matt leans in and clings to him tightly without thinking only to pull away suddenly, practically jumping back from him, a split second later. His arms are drawn back from Foggy, hands hovering awkwardly, head lowered, face red as he gasps for a proper breath. He lifts his head as Foggy tries to tell off the voice, whatever it truly is, the wheels racing in his head, catching up to what his body had done. As it sinks in what he just did, he squeezes his eyes shut, gritting his teeth as two different regrets pull at his heart in opposite directions.
He needs the voice to stop. He doesn't want to hear what Stick has to say, he doesn't want Foggy to hear it either. Matt takes a breath and adds to Foggy's words. ]
If it brothered you that much maybe you shouldn't have walked out so easily. But you did so it's really none of your business how I handle this war, or my problems, or my relationships.
[ If it isn't Stick's ghost it does a terribly good impression. Matt hopes the point was made but he also knows he's about to get a snide reply.
"I'm disappointed in you. Once again your potential is wasted. You think those gods brought you here to socialize? I might not have completed training you but we both know you know better. If you don't buckle down and act like a real warrior it's just a matter of time before someone dies on your watch. How'd you like Scruff to keel over and the rest of the troops to know it was your fault? It's already happened before and it will happen again. Look at what happened to Elektra, you could have prevented over half the shit that happened when the Fingers came together if you kept her alive."
Matt glares down toward the bed and grinds his jaw as the voice goes on. He snaps finally, shouting. ]
[ Oh. It's - it's not a surprise, and he reminds himself that he should have expected a reaction like that even as he gives an involuntary inhale, soft and sharp. Matt jerking away like he'd been burned by Foggy's touch hurts more than anything that Stick could ever say, but that's only because he loves Matt and doesn't give a shit about Stick.
Matt loves them both. He might talk a big game, might agree with Foggy when he says that Stick's an asshole and lift his chin up and tell Stick that it's none of his business, but it is. It is as long as Matt still cares, and Matt'll always care. There's things Stick'd done that were good, that'd helped Matt when no one else could, and underneath everything else that'll always be there. Part of it is just because it's Matt, and he is stunningly, beautifully loyal even if people don't deserve it and he chooses interesting ways to show it, and part of it is because that's how goddamn abuse works, and Matt was just a kid.
He puts a hand on Matt's knee, to let him know that it's - well, it's not okay, it's not okay at all, but Foggy's still here. ]
You are the one who dragged them into all of this in the first place. It wasn't Matt's responsibility to keep Elektra alive; it was yours. No, you know what - she was a grown ass woman who made her own choices, and I may not have liked her but she deserves better than to be used as ammunition in your let's get Matt to hate himself enough that he turns into me crusade. You know what happens to people who don't socialize? They go crazy, and they get themselves killed because they don't have anything to live for.
[ Matt cringes and covers his mouth with a tight fist. He's not going to cry, not in front of Stick, not again. It will only make the old man push harder. He was always good at sniffing out weakness and using it to his advantage. He knows faintly that Foggy has a hand on his knee, that he's trying to help him stay calm, but he can hardly think. He'd like everything to stop, now. ]
Go away Stick.
[ Matt can practically feel Stick standing there and hear the sharp inhale of breath he takes just before he chuckles. He's not really there of course, but the memory is so close it gets filled in any way.
"Of course you know, I knew you did. Scruffy here doesn't get it. He's as naive as they come joining this fight. He's even softer than you were as a kid, mentally and physically! You can sit here and listen to him talk about feelings as much as you want but you know people like him don't win wars. It's up to us Matty, to those who were born with the right kind of grit, to keep evil from winning so people like your idiot boyfriend can keep living in their happy little worlds.
Do you really think he knows better how to keep people alive or to make you strong than I do?"
Matt's face wrinkles as fights to think of words. Anything to get him to stop. ]
This is all rich coming from the guy who died right before the final battle of his war.
Jessica Jones. Luke Cage. Danny Rand. Colleen Wing. Misty Knight. Claire Temple. A whole team of people who are nothing like you, because your bullshit "it's all up to you and relying on other people is a weakness" always falls apart. You want to talk about war, get your head out of your own ass long enough to realize that your crusade and what you think you know doesn't mean a thing anymore.
[ The question wasn't meant for him - none of this is meant for him; that much is obvious.
If they were back home, maybe Foggy might have to concede the argument. Maybe, because while Stick has a really, really good point, Foggy has yet to find an argument good enough that he couldn't poke a few holes in it. He'd have to take a step back, though, re-evaluate, be personally affronted over idiot boyfriend and the implication that there's only one kind of war and it's the kind Stick knows.
But they're not home. They're not home, and Stick can talk about him naively joining this fight all he wants, but it's his fight, and he understands it better than Stick does. Mercury chose him, and Foggy's a few months past the time when he spent most of his days wondering why. ]
We're in Imperial Rome, and people like you don't win wars here. Soldiers can fight for years and end up coming home without it meaning anything because some soft adviser talked real pretty in the ear of an emperor and changed his mind about who their enemy was; and people with the right kind of grit can get on the wrong side of the gods faster than you can blink.
[ His grip on Matt's knee tightens as he turns his focus on in Matt, like if he just focuses hard enough he can will Stick out of existence. ]
He's wrong, Matt. You've saved more people both as Matt Murdock and as Daredevil than he ever could've, and the strength you have didn't come from him. He knows the Hand, but he didn't know anything about Fisk and he doesn't know anything about the Titans. We already beat one of those just fine without him, and we can do it here, too.
[ Matt filled in the answer to Stick's question immediately in his head. "Elektra and... me." But Foggy starts listing names and Matt lifts his head slightly. Foggy is right. Stick didn't even really know any of the other people regardless of whatever info collecting he did before he showed up in that restaurant. They all fought on their own terms.
"No, it's not that simple. Stick's philosophy didn't mean fighting the war all alone, he was the first to tell me and the others that together we could defeat the Hand." Matt bites his lip. Just like that, like instinct, some little voice in his head was arguing on behalf of Stick, and to Foggy of all people. He feels sick. He's shouting on the inside and clawing at the walls of his mind, beating himself down.
"You've been telling Scruffy only half the story haven't you? He thinks I taught you to fight all alone. You're the one who keeps insisting on playing hero and doing everything alone Matty. I had an entire army by my side. I turned to you for help when I needed it. Why do you think I set you up with Elektra? It wasn't just to remind you of who you really are, it was to show you what fighting alongside another warrior was like."
Matt shakes his head frantically. ]
You said I should give up my friends! Why was Elektra any different?
[ "You know why Matty. She was willing to let you become what you were meant to be. She accepted a part of you Scruff will never understand because she was the same. He can talk all he wants about Roman Emperors and gods, impressive how much he can pull out of his ass. Doesn't change the cold hard truth that you were born to fight. Do him a favor and stop pretending that he'll ever accept that."
Matt feels Foggy squeezing his knee. He hears Foggy's words but only barely. It feels like his heart fell into his gut and Foggy seems distant and sounds far away. He blinks and holds back his tears. Who's right? It's hard to tell, he can't think clearly. ]
I don't know anymore, Fog. I don't... Don't think I did more good than harm. Fisk has prison guards and other inmates in his pocket already. I hurt you and I hurt Karen. Everyone that I once helped nearly died at that warehouse. And Elektra... I- I thought I could save people but I'm starting to think that I was wrong. Now I'm here and I can't even- I can't protect you or Karen. I know that others wonder why I'm here, what could I possibly do to help, and I thought I could prove them wrong but I still can't. Maybe if I had been stronger, maybe if I had learned a little more from him...
We have different understandings of the word alone, buddy. You might've had an entire army at your side, but you were still alone as hell where it matters. The ones who finished the war had nothing to do with your philosophy. For all your talk about knowing what a real warrior and real strength were like, you and your kind failed, and the ones who made it count were a ragtag bunch of people just trying to do their best.
[ If he was a more cruel person, he would point out that Stick's army was no where to be found in the end, that the boy he'd manipulated and abandoned had found a better family, and the girl he'd used to try to further that manipulation had ended up killing him. For all Stick's talk about knowing what needs to be done to win, everything he tried sure as hell backfired spectacularly on him.
All right, actually - he would be that cruel of a person, if Matt wasn't sitting right here listening to all of this. He's pretty sure that all of that would hurt Matt more than it would Stick, and Foggy can't bring himself to be the one to use any of that to take potshots at Stick, no matter how true it might be.
Especially not since, admittedly, he doesn't know the whole story of everything that happened with Stick.
And especially not when, despite stubbornly trying to ignore everything Stick says, there's still a slow growing ice in his veins at all his talk about Elektra. That he sent her to Matt, used her to manipulate him, played both of them and yet - and yet he's afraid that Matt believes what Stick's saying. That Elektra really does understand Matt better than Foggy could. No matter how deep in his bones he feels that that's wrong, it doesn't mean anything if Matt thinks it's true.
His hand fumbles for Matt's, and he falls back on the now familiar gesture of pressing it against his heart. His breathing might not be under control, but he knows his pulse is steady. ]
I'm alive right now because of you, Matt. If you can't believe anything else, can you believe that?
[ Stick's voice still doesn't pick a fight with Foggy. Matt knows Foggy's argument has some sort of credit to it. Even emotional, Foggy can gather the facts and build a case in his head, a talent that could put lawyers with more experience to shame. Still, it's difficult to process, just like it's difficult to listen to Foggy and Stick arguing the same way two sides in his own head do all the time.
Foggy grabs Matt's hand and presses it to his chest, Matt's heart immediately leaping, eyes pointing toward the contact. His throat feels too tight again, emotions stirring up as he thinks about what the gesture has come to mean to them in the past few months. Thinking about how Foggy pleaded with him not to push him away again.
Stick's voice scoffs. "Back to distracting yourself with his sweet talk and sex? You're making the same old mistake again, telling yourself you'll find relief between someone else's legs. Nobody will make you feel complete and truly alive the way fighting does Matty. Remember what I said about soft things. It's only a matter of time before your boyfriend suffers and it won't matter how big his loud mouth or his dick is."
Matt's entire body goes rigid, something inside of him snaps. His hand on Foggy's chest curls into a fist. ]
And I told you that I'm more than just a warrior but you never listened. I should have stopped listening to you a long time ago. You know I took your advice, I kept my abilities secret, tried pushing the people I love away but it didn't fix my problems, it only hurt and made me hate myself more. I get to decide how I want to live my life now. And if you had a body right now I would kick your ass for insulting the man I love.
[ Great, they're moving on to the battering of personal insults part of the argument. Most of the time in college Foggy'd just gotten smug at this point, because in his experience people tend to shift to insulting you and your friends and your relationships when they've trying to stall to come up with better counter points to your argument. Or when they've run out of them completely, but Foggy's not sure their luck'd be that good without him putting a little influence on it.
But this isn't most times. Foggy's not quite stable enough at the moment not to internalize some of that. He knows he's not stupid, and that his relationship with Matt is different from their relationships in the past, and he wants to think that this time he can make sure that Matt finds exactly what he's been looking for - but deep down he's not as sure of himself as he is of Matt. His faith in Matt is damn near unshakable, his faith in his own ability to be everything Matt needs and wants? That's a little less steady.
He's a second away from lashing out and saying something like that sounds like someone who's never been able to have a satisfying sexual encounter or what are you doing thinking about how big my dick is you creep when Matt snaps.
And Foggy's heart does that stupid quick palpitation thing that's best described as skipping a beat while he pretty much just stares at Matt, quietly lovestruck. He's known for a long time that Matt killing it as a lawyer or telling someone off was kind of a thing for him - and what a great idea it was to be partners in their own law firm where they did those things regularly with that knowledge, clearly that would result in no awkward moments for him - but it turns out that Matt standing up to Stick for him takes that to a whole new extreme.
His thumb brushes over Matt's knuckles and stays there, hand curled around his fist. ]
Hey Matt? Thank you. For being you.
[ For a lot of things, really, and Foggy'll be sure to outline every one of them individually when they're actually alone, but right now it can be summed up in pretty much just being Matt. ]
[ In the moment of silence that follows his outburst the room seems silent save for his breath and heartbeat drumming. Then he feels Foggy's thumb brushing over his knuckles and the chill in his veins fades away. Foggy speaks and Matt lifts his head, fist slowly uncurling. ]
I don't know what that really means.
[ He says with a faint smirk and the breathless laugh that follows runs right into a sigh of relief. He waits another minute, turning his hand over under Foggy's so he can squeeze it. The voice seems to be gone. Stick would have uttered something about how pitiful or gross that simple exchange was by now. Matt takes several more deep breaths to calm down but it seems to do the opposite or the opposite of what he'd consider calming down because his eyes are wet with tears the next thing he knows. The breathing only seems to make it worse. ]
I'm sorry... for all of that.
[ He'd really like to climb back into Foggy's lap and wrap his arms around him now but he's not sure what Foggy is feeling and thinking after all that. Matt licks his lips and attempts to smile. ]
You're not just a distraction or a way to feel good. You're so much more than what he made it sound like. You know that, right?
You're amazing, that's what that means. Don't worry, I'll give you an itemized presentation later.
[ No one appreciates Matt enough just for existing, as far as Foggy's concerned. Even Foggy's been remiss there, since he's pretty sure the last time he waxed poetic about all of Matt's virtues and tried to thank him just for being himself was when he was drunk just after graduation.
There are a lot more things that Foggy appreciates now, and he kind of thinks they both could use it after that.
Foggy squeezes his hand back as they wait out the silence, hoping like hell that the old shithead is actually gone, at least for the rest of the night. He's... hesitant to try to pull Matt into his lap again, even if that's what he wants more than anything, but he's not sure where they're at right now and he knows he couldn't handle Matt pulling away again.
He settles for curling his other hand around the back of Matt's neck, fingers scratching soothingly through Matt's hair. ]
You don't have to apologize for him, or for the situation. Don't get me wrong, it really sucked, but I'd rather be here for it.
I - [ And he hesitates, because he's still got Matt's hand pressed against his chest, which means Matt's going to know if he lies. He's still not quite sure how good those heart reading skills are - apparently not enough to tell what kind of love Foggy meant when he said I love you buddy or to pick up the nuances in his attraction.
It's just he's pretty sure it'll register as a flat out lie if he says that he knows that, and he doesn't want to do that to Matt. Right now he hasn't been able to shake off the resurfacing of some of his doubts, but that doesn't mean he always has them. ]
[ Matt's shoulders relax at Foggy's touch at the back of his neck and head. Stick is gone. It's alright, that might not have even been his spirit to begin with. Matt leans forward a little without thinking so Foggy can reach easier. He really wishes Foggy hadn't heard any of it but at the same time he knows he'd be in a great deal more pain right now if he was alone. ]
Yeah...
[ It did suck. He still feels like he owed that apology though. Stick's voice raised a number of points Matt hadn't even thought about consciously. Of course Stick's voice would be somewhere deep down inside him trying to tell him what to do, what to think, especially in war and matters of protecting people.
Matt's heart aches at Foggy's hesitant answer and he draws in a breath and braces himself until all of Foggy's words are out. A part of him ridicules himself; Foggy wouldn't be unsure if it was someone else, it's only because he's with you and your troubles that he has to go through this. Matt pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind as he moves closer and draws his hands up to hold Foggy's face in his hands. ]
I'm not just here to have another warm body in bed. I love you.
[ Matt's eyebrows arch up even more as he pauses and tries to point his eyes closer to level with Foggy's. Anything to help drive what he's trying to express. ]
I- I have spent years telling myself that Stick was right. That I was better alone, or keeping secrets, or that I was not the type of person who could be with someone like you. And I still have trouble believing that I deserve the kindest and most amazing person that I've ever known. But- But you pulled me close and told me you love me, I told you things and you still love me, and after four months I find myself starting to believe that I can have this. I- I have been happy, Foggy. And it confuses me- is it okay to be happy after what happened to Stick and Elektra? During a war that I don't know if I can even fight? What if I lose you next? What if I can't protect you?
[ He blinks the tears out of his eyes an inhales a shaky breath. ]
He's wrong. It's not for distraction, this is real. And I don't know how to- how to put words to it because yes, the sex is the best I've ever had in my life, all of it is the best I've ever had. But it's more than that- I...
It's more than being with someone. It's being with you. I'm falling in love with you more every single day, Foggy, and it terrifies me.
[ Really, the only thing Foggy feels like he might've accepted an apology for is Matt jerking away from him in the beginning there - but even that he understands, no matter how much it hurt. It's... definitely something they'll have to talk about, of course, at some point, but there was a whole hell of a lot there and Foggy's still trying to sort through it and pick which issues to start with.
That hadn't been what he planned when he thought about nudging Matt towards talking to him about things, but they're out now, and he'll take it.
There's a part of him that'd known that Matt'd do whatever he could to quell Foggy's hesitations, no matter how carefully he tried to phrase his response, but he still never gets tired of his faith in Matt coming through. There's a shuddery breath as Matt takes his face in his hands, and tries to make an approximation of eye contact. And God, Foggy appreciates the gesture so damn much - Matt's eyes are absolutely beautiful, all right, and he still feels a little thrill when Matt lets himself be that vulnerable around him.
Still, he leans in to rest his forehead against Matt's, to press a brief kiss to each of his eyes, to make sure that Matt can feel his response. ]
That's a lot of words to tell me I'm special. [ He says like he isn't shifting down to press his smile to Matt's cheek, like the warmth and love isn't completely obvious in his voice. God he loves Matt more than anything, and he still can't believe he's allowed to express it as much as he wants. ]
First - hey, I know I've said it before, but I'm going to keep saying it so you're just going to have to put up with it - of course you deserve kindness and happiness. You don't have to do anything to deserve those, you just do. You're worth loving just as you are. But it's okay to be confused about that after everything. Second -
[ Foggy pauses for a moment as he considers his words, running his fingers absently trough Matt's hair. ]
I know everyone says that love is huge and messy and scary, but it doesn't have to be, Matt. Not with you and me. Love is - love is this. It's knowing that at the end of the day, whether it was good or bad, whether we argued or agreed, I'll always have your back and you'll always have mine. [ He kisses him, then, and he means to keep it brief, but, well, he maybe gets a little bit distracted.
By the time he pulls away, he's a little bit breathless, and it definitely shows in his voice. ]
We've had this all along; we just didn't call it what it was because we were stupid and scared. And I - I have my own things I worry about that I need to work through, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not scared. Not when it's you.
[ The ache in Matt's chest dies down at the simple touch of their foreheads and the gentle kiss to each of his eyelids. He keeps his eyes closed between each kiss and for a little afterward, warmth starting to spread in his veins. Another emotional confession and Foggy still more than accepts him.
The smile against his cheek and the amused tone of Foggy's voice brings a small smile to Matt's face as well. Good. He sounds a lot more confident now. Matt blinks, not entirely sure what to make of the idea that it's okay to be confused over his happiness. As much as he has grieved in the past he never felt the need to stop and ask someone if it was alright to be happy so soon after a loss. Probably because the things that made him smile still not long after his father's death, or Stick leaving, were all simple pleasures. Nothing comparable to this. And nothing that involved his heart so entirely.
Foggy's next point though, that what they have at this very moment is love, makes Matt's trail of thought come to an abrupt stop. It's true. When he says he's afraid it's not of this, it's of the part where he messes up and ends up alone. The sense of dread. But Foggy is here now pressing a kiss to his lips after all the years they've known each other after the firm closed and Matt believed they were done, after he told him his secrets, and there's not a hint of hesitation in Foggy's "I love you's." Matt loses himself for a moment in the kiss, trying to pour what he's feeling into it. He can't help chasing Foggy's lips when they stop for breath and he moves closer, legs bumping into Foggy's, hands and arms starting to find their way back around his neck again like before they were interrupted by the voice. His heart surges at Foggy's words, his breath hitching. ]
...You make an excellent point. It's like you persuade people for a living.
[ Matt cracks a smile and climbs back into Foggy's lap properly. ]
You've always been the exception. You've stayed with me longer than anyone... You're right, we have been in love, the entire time.
[ It feels like another physical weight just lifted from the inside of him the same way it did that first night when their feelings finally were spoken and the morning after when they agreed to be together. He leans in to hug him tighter, brushing his lips against his cheek, and turning his head to murmur in his ear. ]
I'm yours. I've always been yours. And you're mine, Foggy.
[ He can't help it if his tone turns mischevious when he says his name despite how emotional he is saying it, not when he's said the same type of thing before in bed, though it feels more real and absolute this time, less like a new declaration. A fact. He leans back enough to press their foreheads together again. His hands run up and down Foggy's shoulders and upper back. ]
...I know I shouldn't be worried, it's you. I know in my head. I just-
[ A sigh escapes him. ]
I carry a voice a lot like that one inside of me. I have for a long time. And with this war and difficulty fighting, and... losing him and Elektra a second time... It's hard not to hear.
[ He huffs out a little chuckle, ducking his head at Matt's comment about him persuading people for a living. But he's got Matt settling back in his lap now, so he's guessing that wasn't overdoing it like he was a little bit worried it might've been. His hands rest on Matt's hips, then slide around until his arms are circling Matt's waist, holding onto him tightly. Despite his words, it's only then that the rest of the tension bleeds out of him.
Or at least, it does until Matt says that he's his. It always makes him catch his breath a little, gets him just a little bit more riled up in a way that he hasn't quite admitted out loud yet. He'd never really thought of himself as a possessive person - but then again, maybe it was more like he couldn't let himself think like that, because the only person he's ever wanted to be a little bit possessive over has been Matt, and he was pretty sure he was never going to have Matt the way he wanted.
But after hearing Stick - or whatever that was - toss out all of the reasons that they shouldn't belong to each other, well. His normal reaction is just a little bit dialed up, and the shiver that runs down his spine feels more like stepping into the hot spray of a shower. Or maybe it's Matt's hands, which, admittedly, is kind of likely, but still. He nips lightly at Matt's earlobe in retaliation, tugging it between his teeth for a moment before he reminds himself that he really isn't supposed to get distracted, here, and he actually does want to talk about some of this. ]
Come on, Matt. We're lawyers. We know half the time the best facts in the world don't matter half as much as what the jury's bringing into that courtroom with them, what their experiences are and how they feel about what's being told to them. This is just like that; it's gonna take more than a few months to come around to a new way of thinking, especially when you've got so much on your plate. But you and me - we'll win that voice over one of these days. Or at least make it shut up more often.
[ All right, maybe it's not just like that. But it's close, and it's arguably a better comparison than bringing up the butcher story again. ]
I'm not in this for a quick fix. I'm in it for the long haul. Whatever voices we've got, we'll face them together. [ He bumps Matt's back with a loosely curled fist, playful. ] Just remember it only works if you talk to me.
[ The little nibble at his ear gets a soft delighted chuckle out of Matt before he's pressing their foreheads together. He's emotional but he makes a mental note to come back to how much Foggy liked hearing that in a bit.
Foggy's comparison makes sense, and Matt nods his head subtly. He should know all this by now, know Foggy is committed, knows he should talk, but then that's exactly the problem. He can't change overnight. Matt bites his lip and sighs again. Right. Still, he wants to push forward. Foggy had called him brave when he told him about the bracelet he had tried to give Stick. Matt hadn't really thought that sharing the memory was that brave, it felt more like something he was pushing out despite the discomfort in hopes it would lead to relief. He's used to keeping secrets but that didn't mean he didn't feel them eating away at him. ]
Okay.
[ Alright there's one thing that he feels down in his gut he should mention. It's not as if it's anywhere near as ugly as what that voice had just shared. Matt sits back, blinking rapidly as he purses his lips and gathers up the words in his head. ]
I've been praying. It um... It didn't feel right doing it close to the alters here. I found a quiet place near the river bank, there's a tree there. I stacked some rocks for each of them and sometimes I go visit...
[ He runs the back of his neck, fidgeting at his self-consciousness. ]
I don't know if it's really helping. I uh... I guess you could say I don't know how to grieve properly. I didn't do that well the last few times.
[ He ducks his head and laughs under his breath. ]
Whatever distractions Foggy might've been tempted by kind of fade into the background at that. Foggy's always thought that Matt talking to him about the important things was special, even back in college. Even before all of this, he'd known that Matt didn't have all that many people to talk to, and getting him to open up even a little is probably one of the things Foggy's the most proud of.
It feels even more important now, and Foggy's going to give it all of his attention. His thumbs rub little circles into Matt's back, absently soothing as he listens.
And then realizes his mistake, because encouraging Matt to talk to him means he actually has to say something back. Usually that part is his strong suit, but when it comes to things like this? Foggy has no idea what he's doing. He's not going to pretend like he does, either, not with Matt. This is about honesty. ]
I don't know if there is a proper way to grieve - and if there is, I'm probably not the best person to go into it. [ Not with how he reacted to Elena and Ben's deaths, and when growing up every wake was filled with his relatives getting wasted. ] I'm pretty sure she stole this from somewhere, but Aunt Ellie used to say that mourning rites are just as much for the ones left behind as the ones gone. The things we do to honor them, it's also about remembering them and keeping them alive in us. And I guess here - it's probably about accepting that there's nothing more you could have done.
[ Matt thinks of saying something about Foggy not being a grief counselor so it's understandable he struggles with it too but Aunt Ellie's words are thought-provoking and lead him down a different trail of thought. Accepting that there's nothing more you could have done. Matt squeezes his eyes closed and sighs before mumbling out ]
Easier said than done.
[ Stating the obvious. He gives a single breathless chuckle. ]
I keep replaying moments in my head, re-examining my choices, wondering if maybe I had said something different or taken better precautions, maybe they would have lived. Or maybe at least they wouldn't have had to die the way that they did.
[ He gives a little snort, not exactly amused, but yeah. Easier said than done, and that's something that Foggy's thought himself. He can just imagine how much worse it might be for Matt, who always thinks there's something more he could have done.
Foggy's tempted to shake him, teasingly, make a joke about seeing if he can try to dislodge some of the world that Matt carries around on his shoulders. But Matt keeps talking, and the moment for trying to hide an offer to help in a joke passes - if it was ever even there, maybe he was just latching on to any opportunity to fall back on a familiar reaction. ]
I know. But it doesn't help, after Elena, I - [ Drank a lot to avoid exactly those kind of thoughts, which works for him but honestly isn't something he can recommend, and slept with Marci, which, well, ditto, and finally put everything he had into helping take down Fisk, and he still can't let it go. It's a different guilt than Matt's, but it's still one of the things that drives him.
And it's a bad example no matter what, because it just reminds him that it's one of the many things that he and Matt had argued about. ]
It doesn't help. Maybe you'd have just died with them - [ Or instead of them, except he's afraid to say that, because he's pretty sure that Matt'd consider that an actual acceptable alternative. ] - or maybe someone else would've died, or maybe something worse would've happened. We can't live on maybes.
[ Matt bows his head in silence. Everything involving Fisk from Elena's death onward had been a whirlwind and despite the time that had passed since it still brings an icy sting to his chest. Elena, Ben, the threat that Fisk wasn't finished, even the revelation and fight he had with Foggy hurts despite where they are in the present. And that's... really not helping him feel any better about Stick and Elektra now that he's remembering. God how long has it been since he last thought about what happened to Urich?
He takes another deep breath. ]
Asking what I could do feels like the one thing I can come up with for them. Everything else I start to think gets... caught somewhere deep down. I know it's there but I put it off. Like I've put off other things, for years.
[ He smiles faintly and leans in to hug Foggy close, dropping a kiss to his shoulder. Like this for example. ]
I feel a lot but I don't know what to do with most of it the majority of the time. Another thing I miss about my senses, turns out they made a great distraction.
[ He's tempted to make a comment about distractions there and how if that's what Matt needs than Foggy's more than happy to provide - but distractions are probably just one of the things that've helped Matt put stuff like this off for years, so no, as much as he wants to, he's sticking with this. ]
You can tell me about it. I know talking about things you feel can be scary, but hey, we've already been through kind of a lot of scary beyond all belief. You better believe I'm here for more; I want the good feelings and the bad.
[ For better or worse. Yeah, when Foggy'd said that he'd been imagining that the 'worse' would be crushing debt that they couldn't manage to get from under and too many disagreements about their clients, but he still means it.
And he knows Matt. He regrets bringing up Elena, because he knows that it'd just made Matt think about more things he feels like he should blame himself over, not less - more deaths that he weighs too heavily against the countless amount of lives that he's saved. ]
They were fighters, all of them. Maybe not the same way you are, but you're not the only one who gets your teeth into a cause and won't let go. [ It's something that a lot of the people in their lives have in common, actually - including Foggy himself, but in his case it's being around Matt that inspires it. He knows he's a better person when he's with Matt. ] It's not fair that they're not around to see the outcome of that fight or get to enjoy the after, but it's reality. The best thing you could've done for them is what you've already done.
[ He presses a kiss to the side of Matt's temple, carding his fingers through his hair. ]
We took down Fisk. You took out the Hand. And I know you, Matt, I know that's never going to be enough and there'll always be another fight, but I'm gonna be right there with you every step of the way. Besides, you can't tell me that old jackass could've hoped for any better ending than going out fighting his great war and one of his students going on to end it.
[ Matt agrees, faintly amused and sighing against Foggy's neck. ]
Don't think he would have approved of me crying for him, and he doesn't deserve it, not after the way he treated me. Doesn't make sense... I know I shouldn't care this much, I've lost better people, but it hurts anyway... All of it hurts.
[ There's a rough weiriness to his tone when he admits that thought and for a second he leans his weight into Foggy, lets the shoulder his head is resting on really keep it up. Then he's back to a more jovial tone, smiling against Foggy's skin. ]
There's a lot for me to unpack. I just hope you'll still think of me the same way by the time half of it is out. I don't want you to feel like you can't turn to me with your problems just because I have all this baggage or... I don't want to disappoint you any more than I already have by messing up and keeping secrets. Might be...
[ He hesitates, then laughs breathlessly. ]
It might be hard to think of me the same way after you've seen me cry one too many times, you know?
It doesn't matter what kind of person he was; he was important to you. It's okay that it hurts.
[ Foggy's eyes slip shut for a moment, his breathing slowing down and steadying as Matt just leans into him, letting Foggy hold him up. And then it's over, but it hadn't taken more than that second for Foggy to realize just how much he wanted exactly that. For Matt not to feel like he has to keep holding himself up all alone when he's hurting, that Foggy can take some of the weight.
His heart breaks a little when Matt admits that he's worried Foggy won't think of him the same way, and goddamn he's really trying to be nice here but fuck Stick, seriously. Admittedly, it's probably not just Stick that instilled this sense of 'crying and showing vulnerability is weakness' in Matt, but he's the easiest source for Foggy to blame at the moment.
He hugs Matt just a little bit tighter. ]
You're gonna get the same earful of my problems until you wish I'd just shut up for a minute that you've always gotten, no matter how many times I see you cry. It doesn't make you weak, or mean you're any less than what you are.
[ It's meant a lot to Foggy that he's one of the few people who does get to see Matt cry, but that's - yeah, he needs to find a better way to say that then I like seeing you cry because way to sound creepy. ]
You've always been the strongest person I know, Matt, that's never going to change. You're so good at protecting me, I just - I want to take care of you, too. [ There's a brief pause, then Foggy amends that to: ] I want you to let me take care of you.
[ Matt goes still for the moment it takes to process that. Those were words he had never heard before, never expected, never wished for. His breath hitches on an inhale and he hugs Foggy back tighter. ]
If it was anyone else saying that I don't know if I'd believe them. Don't think I could bear to put that on another person.
[ A soft huff like a laugh, followed by a small sniffle and warm tears on Foggy's shoulder. ]
I felt like a burden, even on the backs of people who were supposed to take care of me. The only right thing to do, the brave thing to do was to learn to take care of myself, right? Of all people I should know there are others in pain who need someone even more than I do, I could hear them every day.
[ The nights after his father died, the nightmares he would have, when the nuns no longer came to his room when he cried at night he learned quickly and stopped crying for help. There were other children, it was fine, he would do the noble thing and find another way on his own, Murdocks always get back up, he was stronger than that.
Matt laughs because it's the only thing he can do instead of losing his breath and bursting into tears. ]
...Haven't let myself think about it enough to admit what I wanted. Maybe this is what Stick really meant when he said I was looking for a father. It's always felt more than just weak to want, it's felt selfish.
[ He could be bleeding, Claire Temple, bless her soul, stitching up his side and checking to make sure his bones were in place, and he smiled and insisted he was fine. Not just because he was about to get back up and go back out into the night to fight another battle, not just because he wanted to prove he could do it like he said against whatever odds and warnings she gave him. He had grown fond of her, been able to share a piece of himself he hadn't shown anyone since Elektra, but God forbid he let her see too much. God forbid he think of asking her to take care of him, even as she bandaged his wounds. Sometimes even that made him feel guilty.
Foggy Nelson, how dare you. This was exactly the kind of reason why he had told himself he could never have him. Foggy had always given so much, lifted him up without even being asked to, without asking for anything in return. Matt forces his heavy head up and pulls back, letting Foggy see his face finally, wiping the tears from his eyes. His voice is rough and cracks when he talks. ]
...I've never loved anyone else the way that I love you, Foggy.
[ The words Foggy had said the morning they woke up together had touched something deep down in his core, and for a while now he'd known he was ready to say them back. He nods at him, alright, realizing how he's trembling, heart pounding. ]
Only because it's you Foggy. You're my home, you're it for me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nsfw and tw because yikes (verbal abuse, homophobia, more to come no doubt)
Don't think so.
[ They were speaking more hushed than normal this time and hadn't forgotten to watch their volume yet. When he pauses to listen, the entire Mercury house seems silent minus a few muffled thumps from people moving in other rooms and on other floors. Matt turns his head to Foggy and smiles, giving a little shrug. ]
Must be my imagination. I thought I heard people talking from far away earlier today, the way I normally would, but nothing has changed.
[ He shakes his head again, this time at his mistake, and he leans in to press a kiss to Foggy's lips. Maybe his frustrations are getting the best of him. Better to hold tight to Foggy and put his troubles aside for the night.
He's smiling at him and running his fingers over Foggy's forehead to brush back his hair when something drops in his stomach, his intuition telling him something isn't right a split second before he hears a familiar old voice rasping right in his ear as if the man were leaning in to bark at him the way he had so many times long ago.
"Matty, what the hell are you doing?"
Matt snaps to attention, spine straight, eyes wide. ]
Why-?
[ Matt's voice is choked when he speaks, barely getting out the word. His fingers tremble against the back of Foggy's neck. There's no way Stick could possibly...
The bodyless voice huffs in indignation. "You've made stupid decisions over the years but THIS is a new level of idiocy. You agreed to fight in this war- you made the decision to join- but you still haven't committed yourself. Still hesitating on the battlefield, still refusing to kill your enemies when you know it endangers others. Worse, you can barely fight properly even after all these months of training!
You know all this but instead of doing something about it you get in bed every night with Scruffy here and let him fill your head with softhearted shit while he fucks you like some kind of hoar. Is this what you got from all that time I taught you? You think being a soldier means playing house and sucking another man's dick? It's not genius!"
Matt swallows loudly and forces out his words. ]
You're dead. This isn't real.
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Which, well. Means that Foggy's basically doing a complete reversal from what he was just thinking about being patient and is absolutely getting ready to push. Or nudge, maybe, just a tiny bit. But then there's that, and Foggy's head snaps towards the door just as Matt snaps to attention.
Holy shit, of all the people to get resurrected - but the room's empty. It's empty, but Foggy's really starting to wish that it wasn't, because the more the phantom voice talks the more Foggy wants to punch it in the face harder than he's ever punched anything before.
The fact that Matt doesn't seem surprised by what Stick's saying, only that the voice is there at all - yeah, that tells Foggy all he needs to know. And he's too furious to shut up or step back and think more about this, because shit all of that is - well, it's personally insulting, frankly, and there's more than one thing in there that gets his blood boiling on his own behalf. But mostly absolutely none of that is anything that Matt needed to hear. Ever, but especially not from someone who he'd trusted and respected, and who he still blames himself for losing. ]
There's no one there. He's not here, Matt, he's - are you kidding me, this is where we're at now? Because the Owls of Death and the rain that wouldn't end and Murder Bambi wasn't enough, now we've got the Ghost of Asshole Past? Get out, you crusty old jackass, maybe if you'd gotten laid a little more you wouldn't have been such a sorry excuse for a human being. And you lost your chance to talk about all that time I taught you when you up and left two seconds into training him because one thing didn't go how you wanted it. How's that for cowardice and idiocy, huh?
[ He doesn't know if this is a trick by another Titan, some kind of magic, or if it really is Stick's ghost here to haunt them, but he's just going to assume it's the last one because it'd be just their luck. ]
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He needs the voice to stop. He doesn't want to hear what Stick has to say, he doesn't want Foggy to hear it either. Matt takes a breath and adds to Foggy's words. ]
If it brothered you that much maybe you shouldn't have walked out so easily. But you did so it's really none of your business how I handle this war, or my problems, or my relationships.
[ If it isn't Stick's ghost it does a terribly good impression. Matt hopes the point was made but he also knows he's about to get a snide reply.
"I'm disappointed in you. Once again your potential is wasted. You think those gods brought you here to socialize? I might not have completed training you but we both know you know better. If you don't buckle down and act like a real warrior it's just a matter of time before someone dies on your watch. How'd you like Scruff to keel over and the rest of the troops to know it was your fault? It's already happened before and it will happen again. Look at what happened to Elektra, you could have prevented over half the shit that happened when the Fingers came together if you kept her alive."
Matt glares down toward the bed and grinds his jaw as the voice goes on. He snaps finally, shouting. ]
I know already!
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Matt loves them both. He might talk a big game, might agree with Foggy when he says that Stick's an asshole and lift his chin up and tell Stick that it's none of his business, but it is. It is as long as Matt still cares, and Matt'll always care. There's things Stick'd done that were good, that'd helped Matt when no one else could, and underneath everything else that'll always be there. Part of it is just because it's Matt, and he is stunningly, beautifully loyal even if people don't deserve it and he chooses interesting ways to show it, and part of it is because that's how goddamn abuse works, and Matt was just a kid.
He puts a hand on Matt's knee, to let him know that it's - well, it's not okay, it's not okay at all, but Foggy's still here. ]
You are the one who dragged them into all of this in the first place. It wasn't Matt's responsibility to keep Elektra alive; it was yours. No, you know what - she was a grown ass woman who made her own choices, and I may not have liked her but she deserves better than to be used as ammunition in your let's get Matt to hate himself enough that he turns into me crusade. You know what happens to people who don't socialize? They go crazy, and they get themselves killed because they don't have anything to live for.
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Go away Stick.
[ Matt can practically feel Stick standing there and hear the sharp inhale of breath he takes just before he chuckles. He's not really there of course, but the memory is so close it gets filled in any way.
"Of course you know, I knew you did. Scruffy here doesn't get it. He's as naive as they come joining this fight. He's even softer than you were as a kid, mentally and physically! You can sit here and listen to him talk about feelings as much as you want but you know people like him don't win wars. It's up to us Matty, to those who were born with the right kind of grit, to keep evil from winning so people like your idiot boyfriend can keep living in their happy little worlds.
Do you really think he knows better how to keep people alive or to make you strong than I do?"
Matt's face wrinkles as fights to think of words. Anything to get him to stop. ]
This is all rich coming from the guy who died right before the final battle of his war.
[ "And who finished that war in my place?" ]
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[ The question wasn't meant for him - none of this is meant for him; that much is obvious.
If they were back home, maybe Foggy might have to concede the argument. Maybe, because while Stick has a really, really good point, Foggy has yet to find an argument good enough that he couldn't poke a few holes in it. He'd have to take a step back, though, re-evaluate, be personally affronted over idiot boyfriend and the implication that there's only one kind of war and it's the kind Stick knows.
But they're not home. They're not home, and Stick can talk about him naively joining this fight all he wants, but it's his fight, and he understands it better than Stick does. Mercury chose him, and Foggy's a few months past the time when he spent most of his days wondering why. ]
We're in Imperial Rome, and people like you don't win wars here. Soldiers can fight for years and end up coming home without it meaning anything because some soft adviser talked real pretty in the ear of an emperor and changed his mind about who their enemy was; and people with the right kind of grit can get on the wrong side of the gods faster than you can blink.
[ His grip on Matt's knee tightens as he turns his focus on in Matt, like if he just focuses hard enough he can will Stick out of existence. ]
He's wrong, Matt. You've saved more people both as Matt Murdock and as Daredevil than he ever could've, and the strength you have didn't come from him. He knows the Hand, but he didn't know anything about Fisk and he doesn't know anything about the Titans. We already beat one of those just fine without him, and we can do it here, too.
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"No, it's not that simple. Stick's philosophy didn't mean fighting the war all alone, he was the first to tell me and the others that together we could defeat the Hand." Matt bites his lip. Just like that, like instinct, some little voice in his head was arguing on behalf of Stick, and to Foggy of all people. He feels sick. He's shouting on the inside and clawing at the walls of his mind, beating himself down.
"You've been telling Scruffy only half the story haven't you? He thinks I taught you to fight all alone. You're the one who keeps insisting on playing hero and doing everything alone Matty. I had an entire army by my side. I turned to you for help when I needed it. Why do you think I set you up with Elektra? It wasn't just to remind you of who you really are, it was to show you what fighting alongside another warrior was like."
Matt shakes his head frantically. ]
You said I should give up my friends! Why was Elektra any different?
[ "You know why Matty. She was willing to let you become what you were meant to be. She accepted a part of you Scruff will never understand because she was the same. He can talk all he wants about Roman Emperors and gods, impressive how much he can pull out of his ass. Doesn't change the cold hard truth that you were born to fight. Do him a favor and stop pretending that he'll ever accept that."
Matt feels Foggy squeezing his knee. He hears Foggy's words but only barely. It feels like his heart fell into his gut and Foggy seems distant and sounds far away. He blinks and holds back his tears. Who's right? It's hard to tell, he can't think clearly. ]
I don't know anymore, Fog. I don't... Don't think I did more good than harm. Fisk has prison guards and other inmates in his pocket already. I hurt you and I hurt Karen. Everyone that I once helped nearly died at that warehouse. And Elektra... I- I thought I could save people but I'm starting to think that I was wrong. Now I'm here and I can't even- I can't protect you or Karen. I know that others wonder why I'm here, what could I possibly do to help, and I thought I could prove them wrong but I still can't. Maybe if I had been stronger, maybe if I had learned a little more from him...
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[ If he was a more cruel person, he would point out that Stick's army was no where to be found in the end, that the boy he'd manipulated and abandoned had found a better family, and the girl he'd used to try to further that manipulation had ended up killing him. For all Stick's talk about knowing what needs to be done to win, everything he tried sure as hell backfired spectacularly on him.
All right, actually - he would be that cruel of a person, if Matt wasn't sitting right here listening to all of this. He's pretty sure that all of that would hurt Matt more than it would Stick, and Foggy can't bring himself to be the one to use any of that to take potshots at Stick, no matter how true it might be.
Especially not since, admittedly, he doesn't know the whole story of everything that happened with Stick.
And especially not when, despite stubbornly trying to ignore everything Stick says, there's still a slow growing ice in his veins at all his talk about Elektra. That he sent her to Matt, used her to manipulate him, played both of them and yet - and yet he's afraid that Matt believes what Stick's saying. That Elektra really does understand Matt better than Foggy could. No matter how deep in his bones he feels that that's wrong, it doesn't mean anything if Matt thinks it's true.
His hand fumbles for Matt's, and he falls back on the now familiar gesture of pressing it against his heart. His breathing might not be under control, but he knows his pulse is steady. ]
I'm alive right now because of you, Matt. If you can't believe anything else, can you believe that?
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Foggy grabs Matt's hand and presses it to his chest, Matt's heart immediately leaping, eyes pointing toward the contact. His throat feels too tight again, emotions stirring up as he thinks about what the gesture has come to mean to them in the past few months. Thinking about how Foggy pleaded with him not to push him away again.
Stick's voice scoffs. "Back to distracting yourself with his sweet talk and sex? You're making the same old mistake again, telling yourself you'll find relief between someone else's legs. Nobody will make you feel complete and truly alive the way fighting does Matty. Remember what I said about soft things. It's only a matter of time before your boyfriend suffers and it won't matter how big his loud mouth or his dick is."
Matt's entire body goes rigid, something inside of him snaps. His hand on Foggy's chest curls into a fist. ]
And I told you that I'm more than just a warrior but you never listened. I should have stopped listening to you a long time ago. You know I took your advice, I kept my abilities secret, tried pushing the people I love away but it didn't fix my problems, it only hurt and made me hate myself more. I get to decide how I want to live my life now. And if you had a body right now I would kick your ass for insulting the man I love.
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But this isn't most times. Foggy's not quite stable enough at the moment not to internalize some of that. He knows he's not stupid, and that his relationship with Matt is different from their relationships in the past, and he wants to think that this time he can make sure that Matt finds exactly what he's been looking for - but deep down he's not as sure of himself as he is of Matt. His faith in Matt is damn near unshakable, his faith in his own ability to be everything Matt needs and wants? That's a little less steady.
He's a second away from lashing out and saying something like that sounds like someone who's never been able to have a satisfying sexual encounter or what are you doing thinking about how big my dick is you creep when Matt snaps.
And Foggy's heart does that stupid quick palpitation thing that's best described as skipping a beat while he pretty much just stares at Matt, quietly lovestruck. He's known for a long time that Matt killing it as a lawyer or telling someone off was kind of a thing for him - and what a great idea it was to be partners in their own law firm where they did those things regularly with that knowledge, clearly that would result in no awkward moments for him - but it turns out that Matt standing up to Stick for him takes that to a whole new extreme.
His thumb brushes over Matt's knuckles and stays there, hand curled around his fist. ]
Hey Matt? Thank you. For being you.
[ For a lot of things, really, and Foggy'll be sure to outline every one of them individually when they're actually alone, but right now it can be summed up in pretty much just being Matt. ]
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I don't know what that really means.
[ He says with a faint smirk and the breathless laugh that follows runs right into a sigh of relief. He waits another minute, turning his hand over under Foggy's so he can squeeze it. The voice seems to be gone. Stick would have uttered something about how pitiful or gross that simple exchange was by now. Matt takes several more deep breaths to calm down but it seems to do the opposite or the opposite of what he'd consider calming down because his eyes are wet with tears the next thing he knows. The breathing only seems to make it worse. ]
I'm sorry... for all of that.
[ He'd really like to climb back into Foggy's lap and wrap his arms around him now but he's not sure what Foggy is feeling and thinking after all that. Matt licks his lips and attempts to smile. ]
You're not just a distraction or a way to feel good. You're so much more than what he made it sound like. You know that, right?
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[ No one appreciates Matt enough just for existing, as far as Foggy's concerned. Even Foggy's been remiss there, since he's pretty sure the last time he waxed poetic about all of Matt's virtues and tried to thank him just for being himself was when he was drunk just after graduation.
There are a lot more things that Foggy appreciates now, and he kind of thinks they both could use it after that.
Foggy squeezes his hand back as they wait out the silence, hoping like hell that the old shithead is actually gone, at least for the rest of the night. He's... hesitant to try to pull Matt into his lap again, even if that's what he wants more than anything, but he's not sure where they're at right now and he knows he couldn't handle Matt pulling away again.
He settles for curling his other hand around the back of Matt's neck, fingers scratching soothingly through Matt's hair. ]
You don't have to apologize for him, or for the situation. Don't get me wrong, it really sucked, but I'd rather be here for it.
I - [ And he hesitates, because he's still got Matt's hand pressed against his chest, which means Matt's going to know if he lies. He's still not quite sure how good those heart reading skills are - apparently not enough to tell what kind of love Foggy meant when he said I love you buddy or to pick up the nuances in his attraction.
It's just he's pretty sure it'll register as a flat out lie if he says that he knows that, and he doesn't want to do that to Matt. Right now he hasn't been able to shake off the resurfacing of some of his doubts, but that doesn't mean he always has them. ]
I'm working on remembering that I know that.
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Yeah...
[ It did suck. He still feels like he owed that apology though. Stick's voice raised a number of points Matt hadn't even thought about consciously. Of course Stick's voice would be somewhere deep down inside him trying to tell him what to do, what to think, especially in war and matters of protecting people.
Matt's heart aches at Foggy's hesitant answer and he draws in a breath and braces himself until all of Foggy's words are out. A part of him ridicules himself; Foggy wouldn't be unsure if it was someone else, it's only because he's with you and your troubles that he has to go through this. Matt pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind as he moves closer and draws his hands up to hold Foggy's face in his hands. ]
I'm not just here to have another warm body in bed. I love you.
[ Matt's eyebrows arch up even more as he pauses and tries to point his eyes closer to level with Foggy's. Anything to help drive what he's trying to express. ]
I- I have spent years telling myself that Stick was right. That I was better alone, or keeping secrets, or that I was not the type of person who could be with someone like you. And I still have trouble believing that I deserve the kindest and most amazing person that I've ever known. But- But you pulled me close and told me you love me, I told you things and you still love me, and after four months I find myself starting to believe that I can have this. I- I have been happy, Foggy. And it confuses me- is it okay to be happy after what happened to Stick and Elektra? During a war that I don't know if I can even fight? What if I lose you next? What if I can't protect you?
[ He blinks the tears out of his eyes an inhales a shaky breath. ]
He's wrong. It's not for distraction, this is real. And I don't know how to- how to put words to it because yes, the sex is the best I've ever had in my life, all of it is the best I've ever had. But it's more than that- I...
It's more than being with someone. It's being with you. I'm falling in love with you more every single day, Foggy, and it terrifies me.
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That hadn't been what he planned when he thought about nudging Matt towards talking to him about things, but they're out now, and he'll take it.
There's a part of him that'd known that Matt'd do whatever he could to quell Foggy's hesitations, no matter how carefully he tried to phrase his response, but he still never gets tired of his faith in Matt coming through. There's a shuddery breath as Matt takes his face in his hands, and tries to make an approximation of eye contact. And God, Foggy appreciates the gesture so damn much - Matt's eyes are absolutely beautiful, all right, and he still feels a little thrill when Matt lets himself be that vulnerable around him.
Still, he leans in to rest his forehead against Matt's, to press a brief kiss to each of his eyes, to make sure that Matt can feel his response. ]
That's a lot of words to tell me I'm special. [ He says like he isn't shifting down to press his smile to Matt's cheek, like the warmth and love isn't completely obvious in his voice. God he loves Matt more than anything, and he still can't believe he's allowed to express it as much as he wants. ]
First - hey, I know I've said it before, but I'm going to keep saying it so you're just going to have to put up with it - of course you deserve kindness and happiness. You don't have to do anything to deserve those, you just do. You're worth loving just as you are. But it's okay to be confused about that after everything. Second -
[ Foggy pauses for a moment as he considers his words, running his fingers absently trough Matt's hair. ]
I know everyone says that love is huge and messy and scary, but it doesn't have to be, Matt. Not with you and me. Love is - love is this. It's knowing that at the end of the day, whether it was good or bad, whether we argued or agreed, I'll always have your back and you'll always have mine. [ He kisses him, then, and he means to keep it brief, but, well, he maybe gets a little bit distracted.
By the time he pulls away, he's a little bit breathless, and it definitely shows in his voice. ]
We've had this all along; we just didn't call it what it was because we were stupid and scared. And I - I have my own things I worry about that I need to work through, but I'm not stupid, and I'm not scared. Not when it's you.
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The smile against his cheek and the amused tone of Foggy's voice brings a small smile to Matt's face as well. Good. He sounds a lot more confident now. Matt blinks, not entirely sure what to make of the idea that it's okay to be confused over his happiness. As much as he has grieved in the past he never felt the need to stop and ask someone if it was alright to be happy so soon after a loss. Probably because the things that made him smile still not long after his father's death, or Stick leaving, were all simple pleasures. Nothing comparable to this. And nothing that involved his heart so entirely.
Foggy's next point though, that what they have at this very moment is love, makes Matt's trail of thought come to an abrupt stop. It's true. When he says he's afraid it's not of this, it's of the part where he messes up and ends up alone. The sense of dread. But Foggy is here now pressing a kiss to his lips after all the years they've known each other after the firm closed and Matt believed they were done, after he told him his secrets, and there's not a hint of hesitation in Foggy's "I love you's." Matt loses himself for a moment in the kiss, trying to pour what he's feeling into it. He can't help chasing Foggy's lips when they stop for breath and he moves closer, legs bumping into Foggy's, hands and arms starting to find their way back around his neck again like before they were interrupted by the voice. His heart surges at Foggy's words, his breath hitching. ]
...You make an excellent point. It's like you persuade people for a living.
[ Matt cracks a smile and climbs back into Foggy's lap properly. ]
You've always been the exception. You've stayed with me longer than anyone... You're right, we have been in love, the entire time.
[ It feels like another physical weight just lifted from the inside of him the same way it did that first night when their feelings finally were spoken and the morning after when they agreed to be together. He leans in to hug him tighter, brushing his lips against his cheek, and turning his head to murmur in his ear. ]
I'm yours. I've always been yours. And you're mine, Foggy.
[ He can't help it if his tone turns mischevious when he says his name despite how emotional he is saying it, not when he's said the same type of thing before in bed, though it feels more real and absolute this time, less like a new declaration. A fact. He leans back enough to press their foreheads together again. His hands run up and down Foggy's shoulders and upper back. ]
...I know I shouldn't be worried, it's you. I know in my head. I just-
[ A sigh escapes him. ]
I carry a voice a lot like that one inside of me. I have for a long time. And with this war and difficulty fighting, and... losing him and Elektra a second time... It's hard not to hear.
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Or at least, it does until Matt says that he's his. It always makes him catch his breath a little, gets him just a little bit more riled up in a way that he hasn't quite admitted out loud yet. He'd never really thought of himself as a possessive person - but then again, maybe it was more like he couldn't let himself think like that, because the only person he's ever wanted to be a little bit possessive over has been Matt, and he was pretty sure he was never going to have Matt the way he wanted.
But after hearing Stick - or whatever that was - toss out all of the reasons that they shouldn't belong to each other, well. His normal reaction is just a little bit dialed up, and the shiver that runs down his spine feels more like stepping into the hot spray of a shower. Or maybe it's Matt's hands, which, admittedly, is kind of likely, but still. He nips lightly at Matt's earlobe in retaliation, tugging it between his teeth for a moment before he reminds himself that he really isn't supposed to get distracted, here, and he actually does want to talk about some of this. ]
Come on, Matt. We're lawyers. We know half the time the best facts in the world don't matter half as much as what the jury's bringing into that courtroom with them, what their experiences are and how they feel about what's being told to them. This is just like that; it's gonna take more than a few months to come around to a new way of thinking, especially when you've got so much on your plate. But you and me - we'll win that voice over one of these days. Or at least make it shut up more often.
[ All right, maybe it's not just like that. But it's close, and it's arguably a better comparison than bringing up the butcher story again. ]
I'm not in this for a quick fix. I'm in it for the long haul. Whatever voices we've got, we'll face them together. [ He bumps Matt's back with a loosely curled fist, playful. ] Just remember it only works if you talk to me.
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Foggy's comparison makes sense, and Matt nods his head subtly. He should know all this by now, know Foggy is committed, knows he should talk, but then that's exactly the problem. He can't change overnight. Matt bites his lip and sighs again. Right. Still, he wants to push forward. Foggy had called him brave when he told him about the bracelet he had tried to give Stick. Matt hadn't really thought that sharing the memory was that brave, it felt more like something he was pushing out despite the discomfort in hopes it would lead to relief. He's used to keeping secrets but that didn't mean he didn't feel them eating away at him. ]
Okay.
[ Alright there's one thing that he feels down in his gut he should mention. It's not as if it's anywhere near as ugly as what that voice had just shared. Matt sits back, blinking rapidly as he purses his lips and gathers up the words in his head. ]
I've been praying. It um... It didn't feel right doing it close to the alters here. I found a quiet place near the river bank, there's a tree there. I stacked some rocks for each of them and sometimes I go visit...
[ He runs the back of his neck, fidgeting at his self-consciousness. ]
I don't know if it's really helping. I uh... I guess you could say I don't know how to grieve properly. I didn't do that well the last few times.
[ He ducks his head and laughs under his breath. ]
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Whatever distractions Foggy might've been tempted by kind of fade into the background at that. Foggy's always thought that Matt talking to him about the important things was special, even back in college. Even before all of this, he'd known that Matt didn't have all that many people to talk to, and getting him to open up even a little is probably one of the things Foggy's the most proud of.
It feels even more important now, and Foggy's going to give it all of his attention. His thumbs rub little circles into Matt's back, absently soothing as he listens.
And then realizes his mistake, because encouraging Matt to talk to him means he actually has to say something back. Usually that part is his strong suit, but when it comes to things like this? Foggy has no idea what he's doing. He's not going to pretend like he does, either, not with Matt. This is about honesty. ]
I don't know if there is a proper way to grieve - and if there is, I'm probably not the best person to go into it. [ Not with how he reacted to Elena and Ben's deaths, and when growing up every wake was filled with his relatives getting wasted. ] I'm pretty sure she stole this from somewhere, but Aunt Ellie used to say that mourning rites are just as much for the ones left behind as the ones gone. The things we do to honor them, it's also about remembering them and keeping them alive in us. And I guess here - it's probably about accepting that there's nothing more you could have done.
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Easier said than done.
[ Stating the obvious. He gives a single breathless chuckle. ]
I keep replaying moments in my head, re-examining my choices, wondering if maybe I had said something different or taken better precautions, maybe they would have lived. Or maybe at least they wouldn't have had to die the way that they did.
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Foggy's tempted to shake him, teasingly, make a joke about seeing if he can try to dislodge some of the world that Matt carries around on his shoulders. But Matt keeps talking, and the moment for trying to hide an offer to help in a joke passes - if it was ever even there, maybe he was just latching on to any opportunity to fall back on a familiar reaction. ]
I know. But it doesn't help, after Elena, I - [ Drank a lot to avoid exactly those kind of thoughts, which works for him but honestly isn't something he can recommend, and slept with Marci, which, well, ditto, and finally put everything he had into helping take down Fisk, and he still can't let it go. It's a different guilt than Matt's, but it's still one of the things that drives him.
And it's a bad example no matter what, because it just reminds him that it's one of the many things that he and Matt had argued about. ]
It doesn't help. Maybe you'd have just died with them - [ Or instead of them, except he's afraid to say that, because he's pretty sure that Matt'd consider that an actual acceptable alternative. ] - or maybe someone else would've died, or maybe something worse would've happened. We can't live on maybes.
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He takes another deep breath. ]
Asking what I could do feels like the one thing I can come up with for them. Everything else I start to think gets... caught somewhere deep down. I know it's there but I put it off. Like I've put off other things, for years.
[ He smiles faintly and leans in to hug Foggy close, dropping a kiss to his shoulder. Like this for example. ]
I feel a lot but I don't know what to do with most of it the majority of the time. Another thing I miss about my senses, turns out they made a great distraction.
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You can tell me about it. I know talking about things you feel can be scary, but hey, we've already been through kind of a lot of scary beyond all belief. You better believe I'm here for more; I want the good feelings and the bad.
[ For better or worse. Yeah, when Foggy'd said that he'd been imagining that the 'worse' would be crushing debt that they couldn't manage to get from under and too many disagreements about their clients, but he still means it.
And he knows Matt. He regrets bringing up Elena, because he knows that it'd just made Matt think about more things he feels like he should blame himself over, not less - more deaths that he weighs too heavily against the countless amount of lives that he's saved. ]
They were fighters, all of them. Maybe not the same way you are, but you're not the only one who gets your teeth into a cause and won't let go. [ It's something that a lot of the people in their lives have in common, actually - including Foggy himself, but in his case it's being around Matt that inspires it. He knows he's a better person when he's with Matt. ] It's not fair that they're not around to see the outcome of that fight or get to enjoy the after, but it's reality. The best thing you could've done for them is what you've already done.
[ He presses a kiss to the side of Matt's temple, carding his fingers through his hair. ]
We took down Fisk. You took out the Hand. And I know you, Matt, I know that's never going to be enough and there'll always be another fight, but I'm gonna be right there with you every step of the way. Besides, you can't tell me that old jackass could've hoped for any better ending than going out fighting his great war and one of his students going on to end it.
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[ Matt agrees, faintly amused and sighing against Foggy's neck. ]
Don't think he would have approved of me crying for him, and he doesn't deserve it, not after the way he treated me. Doesn't make sense... I know I shouldn't care this much, I've lost better people, but it hurts anyway... All of it hurts.
[ There's a rough weiriness to his tone when he admits that thought and for a second he leans his weight into Foggy, lets the shoulder his head is resting on really keep it up. Then he's back to a more jovial tone, smiling against Foggy's skin. ]
There's a lot for me to unpack. I just hope you'll still think of me the same way by the time half of it is out. I don't want you to feel like you can't turn to me with your problems just because I have all this baggage or... I don't want to disappoint you any more than I already have by messing up and keeping secrets. Might be...
[ He hesitates, then laughs breathlessly. ]
It might be hard to think of me the same way after you've seen me cry one too many times, you know?
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[ Foggy's eyes slip shut for a moment, his breathing slowing down and steadying as Matt just leans into him, letting Foggy hold him up. And then it's over, but it hadn't taken more than that second for Foggy to realize just how much he wanted exactly that. For Matt not to feel like he has to keep holding himself up all alone when he's hurting, that Foggy can take some of the weight.
His heart breaks a little when Matt admits that he's worried Foggy won't think of him the same way, and goddamn he's really trying to be nice here but fuck Stick, seriously. Admittedly, it's probably not just Stick that instilled this sense of 'crying and showing vulnerability is weakness' in Matt, but he's the easiest source for Foggy to blame at the moment.
He hugs Matt just a little bit tighter. ]
You're gonna get the same earful of my problems until you wish I'd just shut up for a minute that you've always gotten, no matter how many times I see you cry. It doesn't make you weak, or mean you're any less than what you are.
[ It's meant a lot to Foggy that he's one of the few people who does get to see Matt cry, but that's - yeah, he needs to find a better way to say that then I like seeing you cry because way to sound creepy. ]
You've always been the strongest person I know, Matt, that's never going to change. You're so good at protecting me, I just - I want to take care of you, too. [ There's a brief pause, then Foggy amends that to: ] I want you to let me take care of you.
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If it was anyone else saying that I don't know if I'd believe them. Don't think I could bear to put that on another person.
[ A soft huff like a laugh, followed by a small sniffle and warm tears on Foggy's shoulder. ]
I felt like a burden, even on the backs of people who were supposed to take care of me. The only right thing to do, the brave thing to do was to learn to take care of myself, right? Of all people I should know there are others in pain who need someone even more than I do, I could hear them every day.
[ The nights after his father died, the nightmares he would have, when the nuns no longer came to his room when he cried at night he learned quickly and stopped crying for help. There were other children, it was fine, he would do the noble thing and find another way on his own, Murdocks always get back up, he was stronger than that.
Matt laughs because it's the only thing he can do instead of losing his breath and bursting into tears. ]
...Haven't let myself think about it enough to admit what I wanted. Maybe this is what Stick really meant when he said I was looking for a father. It's always felt more than just weak to want, it's felt selfish.
[ He could be bleeding, Claire Temple, bless her soul, stitching up his side and checking to make sure his bones were in place, and he smiled and insisted he was fine. Not just because he was about to get back up and go back out into the night to fight another battle, not just because he wanted to prove he could do it like he said against whatever odds and warnings she gave him. He had grown fond of her, been able to share a piece of himself he hadn't shown anyone since Elektra, but God forbid he let her see too much. God forbid he think of asking her to take care of him, even as she bandaged his wounds. Sometimes even that made him feel guilty.
Foggy Nelson, how dare you. This was exactly the kind of reason why he had told himself he could never have him. Foggy had always given so much, lifted him up without even being asked to, without asking for anything in return. Matt forces his heavy head up and pulls back, letting Foggy see his face finally, wiping the tears from his eyes. His voice is rough and cracks when he talks. ]
...I've never loved anyone else the way that I love you, Foggy.
[ The words Foggy had said the morning they woke up together had touched something deep down in his core, and for a while now he'd known he was ready to say them back. He nods at him, alright, realizing how he's trembling, heart pounding. ]
Only because it's you Foggy. You're my home, you're it for me.
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